Rape survivor turned nudist

Rape survivor becomes a nudist
Ya, I'm a 35 year rape survivor. Thou barely at times!
I was brutally raped when I was 15 and when I finally made it home, no one was there. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. And it ended up being my dark secret, or "my dark passenger as Dexter calls it.
At least until April 2012 when I finally decided I needed to see a councilor. He told me to write it all into a journal and to make different versions for different groups of people. So I would have something to go by when I was ready to tell them.
April of 2012 I decided to become a social nudist as well, as a form of self therapy. 
August of 2012 I had seen my councilor in the morning. Chatted with someone on TN, and decided it was time to start telling my family since I had already spoken to two people that day about it and was on a role. I was going to be at my brothers deck and pool anyways and four of my family were going to be there later. My brother, wife, our daughter, and sister-in-law. 
I'm guessing he was about 50, It was in September, a month after starting my first year round job. And of course September was just around the corner.  I knew I had to do something before my 50th birthday in November. 
He was a regular customer of the job I had until I graduated. So I had to deal with that as well. He hold me that if I told anyone I would get it worse next time. He would even grab me in the store, but always when others were not around. He would come directly to me when he came into the store. 
Some say being gay or straight isn't a choice but being bi is! Was I given a choice at 15. NO, I wasn't. I was brutally raped by this guy.
Could I have decided to become straight, gay, or bi? Yes? Actually No!! I know, I tried. I was straight at 15. Thou I wondered after the rape if I put out some kind of vibe.  I tried straight for 25 years. Then explored a little, then couldn't. then a few years later explored a little more, then not again. But now I know I am neither. For the most part i prefer the female form, but yet part of me wants to be accepted by the male form. I'm not talking all out sex here. Just to be comfortable with a guy touching me. To not be emotional scared to death when I am in a room alone with a stranger or a room full of males or females. Which I had been since the rape.
So ya, I'm "bi-curios" and still confused. Some wonder how I can even imagine being with a guy intimately! All I can say is, I do not want to be a victim anymore, and I need to be able to get back my body and soul!  To replace fear with passion, to replace brutal memories with ones I can live the rest of my life with. Or I may not be able to live! 
I did attempt suicide once, it was after the 25 year mark, or it may have been an attempt. During a blizzard I was thinking how easy it would be to just drive off the road. Well, the next thing I remember is waking up buried in a ditch. I bought my first cell phone later that day. 
Becoming a social nudist, not hidden in my home or in the woods, can help me in so many ways! I have never felt so comfortable around others as I am nude. I really thought i was going to get to my first social, see all the nude bodies and freak out. I asked a neighbors son if he was interested in going since my wife wasn't.  Of course I had to explain to him proper nudist behavior.
I hope other nudists can accept my being a bi-curious rape victim. I need to be able to have a bond with other people, male and female! To find the person I could have become if it hadn't happened. 
I can't be the person i was a 1-1/2 years ago any longer.
And no a nudist setting does not mean sex, but then again it can mean relief in more than one way. Emotional rather than sexual.
Can't deny the truth!!!
Thanx for taking the time to read this.
Bare hugsJoe

Posted 6 months ago