The Gay/Straight Bromance
It's special. It's unique. That is; the bond between a gay guy and a straight dude. It can not be forced or phony. It has to happen organically. And when it does, both parties benefit. Allow me to get real. In order for the relationship to work there must be a degree of infatuation, either physical (oh, my straight friend is sooooo hot!) or mental (My gay bud is crazy funny.) And yes, seeing each other naked in the showers or at a resort helps bolster the relationship and move it forward.
I would like to hear your story of bonding with someone who is not your sexual orientation. How did it start? What did the 2 participants have in common?
I have had several "bromances" with guys who were my best friend at the time, all who identified then - and still do - as straight. The most interesting thing about these is that I did not initiate any of them. I couple of these occurred in high school, one in college, and a couple of them since college. Of the high school guys, one was a neighbor and another a classmate. The college friend lived in the dorm room next to me the first year; we quickly decided to become roommates the following year and lived together for several years. The ones since college I met through work. As I said, in all cases, the other guy initiated the friendship - asking me to work out with them, or have dinner or a beer with them, etc. - and they were persistent! I've always been mildly introverted. While I like being around people and social situations, I am also completely fine on my own - I've never "needed" to be around other people. Therefore, in each of these cases, I recall thinking, "I wonder what he wants..." In nearly all of these situations, the bromance became an enriching experience that lasted several years, only ending because of circumstances that took us in different directions (jobs, relationships, etc.). Only with one of the guys did it end on a difficult note - oddly, because my friend's brother was concerned about my friend's sexual orientation, my friend sort of halted our bromance (the friend and I are recently in touch again - again at his instigation, so I am hoping we can repair past damage).
Because of my experience with these bromances and with many friendships with other males, my thoughts on sexuality have evolved significantly over the years. I no longer believe the Kinsey scale is relevant. I don't think people can be classified into three categories - gay, straight, or bisexual - and I don't even think a gradient of these is relevant. Rather, I think human sexuality is too complex for such treatment. In fact, I would go as far to say that truly heterosexual or truly homosexual men are fairly rare (please don't sling arrows at me for saying this, lest I think ye protesteth too much...LOL). I think most men are quite capable of having emotional and sexual feelings for other men, and I think they do sometimes. To be sure, I do NOT mean that most men are a six-pack away from jumping in bed with a guy. I just mean that most men are capable of feeling a strong attraction to other men now and then. It may be difficult for most men to define or understand, but I think it's there. When it occurs, a guy may never have the desire to act on it sexually. He may just enjoy the feeling of embracing his buddy, or cuddling with him. He may get an erection, or he may not - it may just feel good.
Unfortunately, most societies strongly socialize men to fear male-male intimacy. Men in the U.S. who identify as straight - even liberal men with many "gay" friends - seem terrified to be thought of as having any attraction at all toward other men. I think we'd all be a lot better off if we got rid of the labels and allowed people to be who they are. When people ask me if I'm gay, straight, or bisexual, I don't really know how to answer (it depends on the circumstances - for this reason, and because of the limited options here, I've selected bisexual). I never ask ask a guy about his sexual orientation - it's more important to get to know him as an individual. If there's mutual attraction, hopefully, we'll know it pretty quickly (although, I admit many men are horrific at reading signals). So, bottom line, I think most men should embrace bromance. Their primary relationship might be with a guy or a woman. A bromance might not become sexual in any way, but it can be a rich and rewarding friendship. So, my advice is to cast away the chains of sexual classification that society imposes upon us and get to know your buddy on a deep and meaningful level.
I have had several "bromances" with guys who were my best friend at the time, all who identified then - and still do - as straight. ...Because of my experience with these bromances and with many friendships with other males, my thoughts on sexuality have evolved significantly over the years. I no longer believe the Kinsey scale is relevant. I don't think people can be classified into three categories - gay, straight, or bisexual - and I don't even think a gradient of these is relevant. Rather, I think human sexuality is too complex for such treatment. In fact, I would go as far to say that truly heterosexual or truly homosexual men are fairly rare ...and most men are capable of feeling a strong attraction to other men now and then. It may be difficult for most men to define or understand, but I think it's there. When it occurs, a guy may never have the desire to act on it sexually. He may just enjoy the feeling of embracing his buddy, or cuddling with him. He may get an erection, or he may not - it may just feel good. ...Unfortunately, most societies strongly socialize men to fear male-male intimacy. Men in the U.S. who identify as straight - even liberal men with many "gay" friends - seem terrified to be thought of as having any attraction at all toward other men. I think we'd all be a lot better off if we got rid of the labels and allowed people to be who they are.... So, bottom line, I think most men should embrace bromance. Their primary relationship might be with a guy or a woman. A bromance might not become sexual in any way, but it can be a rich and rewarding friendship. So, my advice is to cast away the chains of sexual classification that society imposes upon us and get to know your buddy on a deep and meaningful level.
This is about the most articulately defined overview of male sexuality I've read in a long time. I agree wholeheartedly. The nudist community seems more willing to look at this than the general population, so perhaps we have a bit of a role as pioneers much like gay people did in the 70s and 80's. Personally, I see sexual pronouning as mistaken way of giving up our power to others to control us in their predefined silos. There is only one sexuality for men and it's masculine. Given the concept of gender fluidity - where I have room to evolve - perhaps it's more that there is only one human sexuality. But as a male defiend in large part by having a penis, I see three dimensions of sexuality: physical attraction, sensuality and romantic bonding. Admiring or envying a man's physique or car doesn't claim a wish for ownership. Needing physical touch - or even a good ejaculatory release - doesn't imply setting up a household together, and the romantic partnering of any two individuals is fraught with all kinds of emotional, social, practical and legal complications which go far beyond genitalia.
Defining men's relationship along the along the articifial razor's edge of gay/straight bromance may work if we need to peg it somehow. But mostly I just believe in the brotherhood, of men being men around men and showing up as courageous and vulnerable men. Clothes and the firmness of penises don't really matter much other than that some men are more comfortable exposing that honesty than others. Thus, nudists are pioneers, and the trick is transforming the wilderness into something vital, self-sustaining and creative rather than ending up with our face in dirt and arrows in our backs.
WindyCityNkd & stoneandy... thanks.
This post perhaps isn't quite on topic, but I just wanted to add it...
I agree, these two contributions are wonderfully eloquent, rational and insightful. I identify as straight, as I've never had any desire or urge to have (what we call) a sexual relationship with a man. But for me, as I think is the case for many others, my nudist exploration has opened up an enriching world of sensuality and friendship. And for this, in a big way, I have to thank the wonderfully open and welcoming gay community in my area. I've joined nude bushwalking groups, nude swim and massage groups, and men's nude weekends, among other things.
If someone had told me twenty years ago that I would be enjoying social occasions and nude massage with other guys I probably wouldn't have believed it.
"Unfortunately, most societies strongly socialize men to fear male-male intimacy." This is so true.
Anyway, thanks!
H there. I have been in theatre since i was 16 and performed with many gay men over decades, even sharing colouring them all over, showering etc. Being married i have always loved their friendship. My best fiend is gay and after a performance of a Neil Simon play where he had to lie on top of me and beat the shit out of me in 1983 we have a great long lasting love of each other, 40 years, but have never had sexual contact.
I have to say, reading this thread really is uplifting. When I was a young man struggling with my sexuality, I was completely perplexed on how women could compliment each other and call each other pretty or beautiful without any social stigma. And yet, a man was never supposed to even notice another man outside of a handshake or a pat on the back, let alone desire his company.
I now have 2-3 straight male buds in my life who, while I wouldn't call them 'best' friends, are very close and have zero issue with me discussing my personal life nor any objection to a warm embrace. It is heartwarming to see that there are others with this experience as well, if not even more intimate, and my only regret is that I did not discover this community sooner.
A common term in the male gay straight divide is homophobia, the idea that straight men are afraid that an emotional bond with a man (gay or straight) is a sign of male/male attraction. That's scary for those who want to be in an unnatural silo. But as a straight man, I see fear of men going all directions, including gay men being afraid of me. I wouldn't call it heterophobia, it just sounds stupid. However, I believe that men are afraid of being vulnerable around men in our competive society regardless of labels. The beautiful thing is that we are only as courageous as we are vulnerable. We have to face our fears to get over them. And that's why we as men - no labels attached - need each other more than ever.
I am straight and my friend is gay. We met by chance for work reasons and then we started talking. Today we have a bromance with a lot of affection, respect and understanding. We don't have much in common, but we have a lot of fun together.
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