Thank you all for your kind messages, on the thread and through private messages. Touched, and humbled by how amazing as a community you are. I decided to not let one negative voice overpower me, or this community. Robert, and Andy, I cannot wait to meet with you in Chicago in August, would be lovely if we could visit something you like downtown. Your advice is always wise, positive, and I love how you share your wisdom.
I can understand, Mapjock, why you are puzzled by my behavior at times, alternating between episodes of opening up, and episodes of shutting down. I am puzzled by my own behavior, too. That is why I journal, to be honest. It is a strange feeling to have all these emotions at once: preparing for a job interview tomorrow, writing up the conclusion of the dissertation, figuring out what to do next, and where to go next year, and bonding with my flat mates, and living my life. I admire people who know what they are doing in life. I am still figuring out, on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I don't make sense to myself, to be honest. Frat boy told me once that "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." I relate.
I journal on a Word document, and I copy and paste some days on the thread. So, it is not entirely gone.
Last night, geeky boy and rugby boy crashed. It just felt so nice to be surrounded. I must say we all feel very lonely at times, and these moments of bonding are so comforting. They sensed something was going on. Frat boy had messaged me -he was staying over at his girlfriend's last night- several times yesterday to ask "are you okay?" Apparently, they messaged each other, and he was checking up on me. I asked him what he thought about me, and if I was selfish. He replied "nah, you're fine. So much is going on in your head at times! Hard to keep up!" Geeky boy hugged me when I came back home, and when rugby boy came to join us for dinner, he hugged me too. They are getting along better, it seems. For a while, it was tense, but I am not sure why.
We had a nice dinner, and we spoke about Brexit a lot. It's one of the most important events for me right now, as it will have lasting consequences for young professionals trying to settle up in Europe or the UK. We had a bit of Bordeaux wine, it was nice. I slept between them, hugging geeky boy, and rugby boy hugging me. It just felt home. It felt right.
It will probably come as no surprise that I have questioned your story at times . I (and a couple others) have made references to how valid and true this story really is and you have made a point several times, to reply that it IS true. The situations that you have allowed yourself to get into , and then reporting to us how surprised and even annoyed you are about the results of those situations does cast some doubt (in my mind). For instance, allowing sexual events ( or male bonding... whatever anyone wants to call it) to occur in your bed, and then being shocked or annoyed about how they play out.... But yet... a few nights later they're back in your bed and another event occurs that catches you off guard. Though the word had not actually occurred to me so far, "narcissistic" MAY possibly be a good word choice. haha..
Must agree with MapJock here. I also have been sceptical of the original thread, and made several comments querying certain aspects and the progression of events. I've also been bemused at times by the outpouring of feelings from other posters. In reading the message from the supposed councellor (which curiously, you've been so affected by their words you've removed the original thread, yet have chosen to copy their words into a new thread??) - whilst perhaps going a bit hard, succinctly summed up some of my thoughts also.
Lastly, having read the previous thread - I was increasingly finding that the events being described, and your reactions to them (the anal sex resulting from GB's morning grinding while you slept, the unrequested masturbation received from both FB and RB etc), whilst titillating for some - could all be examples of rape!
Whether real or fantasy - as with what others have already said - please make sure you are OK first and foremost!
Rdrr 43, thank you for your message on the thread. You can always ask questions for clarification, you know. I know my experience, and you are free to doubt me if you want.
About rape, I find this to be harsh. I am open to them, and I set boundaries whenever I don't want something to happen. Anything else that happens, you can safely assume I consent. Thank you for raising that issue. It is a valid one.
About my deleting the thread, it came out of frustration, and a lack of emotional self-control. I agree I act stupidly at times. I feel frustrated when I put myself in a position of openness, and vulnerability, yet some fellow nudists doubt my intentions. I journal anyway, for myself, and I don't come here for the validation. I come here to engage with other nudists, and I always encourage them sharing their experience. I have read the most beautiful words of wisdom, from which I have grown on a personal level.
About putting back the message I have received on the thread, to be honest, it comes out of frustration. It took me a while to process it, and I wanted others to read it, to help me understand, process, and make sense. I had the most enlightening conversation with Ronald, allow me to copy what I ended up writing following his superb insights.
He may have just been speaking from hurt, having been in a position where he was falling in love with a guy, and at the time he didn't get that love in return. Hence him closing a chapter of his own life through me, writing to his past love. That is what I think now. That is why he blocked me: because he wasn't interested in me answering, it wasn't about me: it was about him needing this for himself, for closure.
When I tap into the collective wisdom, more often than not, I evolve and grow. Thank you for that.
I have been touched by your words. What reflections, insights and transitions to the next step!! Your honesty also makes it possible for me to see some of my own 'stuff' in a different perspective and reconsider some (old school, LOL) values. Thanks, thanks, thanks for being in our (virtual) life. And of course, thanks for your compliments. My heart is wide open to receive. After all, I think it's like I said: "We walk eachother home".
Hey Seb, I also agree with Mapjock and was confused and suspicious of the authenticity. It did come off as these three guys that really want you, but you weren't as invested in them. That said, you can't hold yourself responsible for the feelings of others. As long as you aren't willfully hurting them, are open and honest with them about your feelings and what you plan for your future, their heart aches are theirs to deal with. You all are young and learning what life is (which hopefully never stops). Some people, apparently counselors, believe we should go through life without ever being hurt or causing a hurt reaction in someone else. That is not being alive. By taking risks and experiencing what life has to offer is how we learn and grow to be mature, understanding human beings. After all "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Whatever kind of love you want to call it.
I'm sure you'll all be fine. It sounds like GB and RB are working out their jealousy issues already.
As this 2.0 thread develops, I wish to explain my unwavering emotional support for you Sebastian as the narrator. Its not just that your stories are entertaining, particularly your sense of sexual playfulness contrasted with an at times childish naivet, to which I relate. Nor is it an expectation of a factual flat documentary. Can a man jack with his roommates, have a mounds of menergy for his girlfriend with beautiful green eyes and still put out regular wet dreams unless his balls are bigger than his butt cheeks? No matter. If you were to come to Chicago in August and reveal yourself to actually be an obese 60 year old custodian from Cleveland named Jim Bob, I would still be fine.
My loyalty to your story is because you are a man of heart living as a man of heart and including the whole raw mysterious sexual energy thing as a man of heart. I too am a man of heart but unlike you, I "old school" repressed away my sexuality and vulnerability as did my childhood peers from our evangelical church to disastrous results. There was Craig who thought he was Jesus and rode his bike for two days without stopping, whose affect never recovered from the shock treatments they administered. Or Chris who got in a car full of drunk frat brothers, John who climbed out on a pole over a cliff at the Grand Canyon or Bill who shot himself in a nature preserve. I missed all of their funerals, one after the other, studying away from home. God we were all so young and became so numbed that death had more appeal than being thinking, feeling or sexual.
I may be an 55 year old curmudgeon by now since its taken decades to become a man of heart delivered from the prison of binary thinking, living sexually and with vitality. If I had continued at it all alone, maybe Id be dead like them. But I have many teachers, including a young man living in a flat in Paris, and will remain grateful, because its all good.
Seb.. I see a lot of analysis and find it very good for my understanding of all this.. .. BUT always felt the journaling was there to help you organize your OWN thoughts and understanding of the situation and put it in a sort of perspective. I find it amazing open myself and hope it helped on all levels my friend. Steve