Not sure where I left the diary off. I eventually left Grenoble. The management was just horrible. Management by fear. It really does undermine your self-confidence. You start doubting yourself, everything you do. You lose yourself in the process. I just had to save myself, while the boat was sinking. When I cam back to Paris, I was a wreck. Thats the context.
April, 30th 2019
I arrived mid-afternoon at Gare de Lyon, in Paris. Frat boy was waiting for me. I had a lot of luggage with me. He grabbed everything, didnt say a word, except "I'm here. We all are. Youll be fine pk." [He calls me pk, short for pumpkin]. I felt my tears running down my cheeks. I just was relieved. I said "thank you". He patted my back, and said "You'll be fine, kiddo. Youre stronger than what you think." I wiped my nose with my sleeve.
We took the metro back to the flat. They all had arranged my room. It was pretty much the same, except that they added two pillows to the existing two. I just fell on the bed, dressed, on my stomach, and fell asleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night. Rugby boy was dressed, behind me, hugging me, asleep. I heard his light snore. It was soothing. I felt at home, again.
I closed my eyes again. I tried not to think about the way I left, my former boss, the constant undermining of the work of his colleagues, of my work. The harassment. The crudeness. It was too much.
I heard keys. It was frat boy, talking to geeky boy. They arrived late. Geeky boy was talking about me. "Is he okay?" he asked. Frat boy replied "not sure. Be here for him. He needs you, kiddo." I smiled. It was true. He had always been here for me, I tried to be here for him too. We are very close. The others nickname us "the twins."
My bedroom door opened. I opened my eyes. It was frat boy. He undressed, and went behind rugby boy. Rugby boy kind of jumped, and said "no funny business tonight." I laughed, and so did they. After a while, geeky boy entered the room. He undressed. He hugged me, facing me. I hugged him really hard. He said "I've missed you." He kissed me, and hugged me even harder. We almost broke each others rib cages as we were hugging, but it was primal. It was just too much time apart.
Rugby boy hugged the two of us, his arm over our bodies. He said "be good. "We eventually fell asleep. It was cramped. I just realized why they had put the other two pillows.
May, 1st 2019
I woke up with a terrible headache. I opened my eyes, and my face was one inch from geeky boy. I smiled. My breath was bad, I sort of moved away of couple of inches. I looked at his face. He seemed so peaceful. I just looked at his eyelids closed.
I felt rugby boys arm against my right shoulder. He wasnt snoring. He kissed the back of my neck. He whispered missed you. I smiled. He moved his arm, and rubbed my torso, where my heart would be. He said dont let anyone break you. Break your heart. Break your confidence. I started trembling. He was right. But it was too astute. Or too soon.
I moved my arm backwards, and pushed his body against mine. Hug me, Im cold, I said. He started to tremble too. He said I must be cold, too. Geeky boy woke up a bit later. He looked at me shaking uncontrollably. He said to rugby boy Ill take care of it, dont worry. Rugby boy stood up, and left to the kitchen, just said coffee in ten, guys.
Geeky boy hugged me very close. I was still shaking. He said Im here. Look at me. I looked. I said Im fucking lost. He smiled, brushed my hair, and said shhhh. It was soothing, somehow.
He kissed me again. I said hummm, bad breath, you dont want to do that. He laughed, and said nonsense. It was vulnerable.
Rugby boy shouted coffees ready, guys. Geeky boy stood up and dressed. We went and sat at the kitchen table. The coffee was strong. It was dark. It was nostalgic.
Rugby boy caressed both our heads, and said kids, lets do something fun today. Its Labor Day or something like that. Lets be French and go to the Tuileries garden and shit. I laughed. Geeky boy said, why not.