LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS; I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT IS AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO '.
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a
Woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with
A radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with
That classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
Asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger,
Then work my way up to two fingers, then three,
Then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
From side to side until I can get both hands in,
And then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's
About 6 feet.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
Asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind
A bridge.'
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face - PRICELESS!
Bank Robber
div
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tbody
tr
td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"
p style="margin-bottom: 12pt;" A spanman with a gun/span went into a bank
and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money,
he turned to a customer and asked,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing
next to him and asked the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied,
"No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
/td
/tr
/tbody
/table
/div
Two men were driving through Saskatchewan when they got pulled over by an RCMP officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Saskatchewan son,"the cop answered. "When we pull you over in Saskatchewan, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean, and gives the guy his license back. The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type," the cop says, "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"
Ouch:::! Tha's gotta hurt.
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors
hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips
of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
NEW SUNBURN TREATMENT: This Sounds like a good procedure to
relieve the pain. A guy fell asleep on the beach for several
hours and got Horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper
legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly
admitted after being Diagnosed with second-degree burns.With
his skin already starting to Blister, and the severe pain he
was in, the doctor prescribed continuous Intravenous feeding
with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill
Every four hours.The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good Will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't Doanything for his condition, But it'll keep the sheetsoff his legs.'
Impetuous Youth
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Well, since I'm so close to a century, I'm going to bring over some of the jokes that I've posted on NS. Hehe...I want to see what happens and since this forum isn't all that busy, I need something to post!
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of WHISKEY was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused
by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack
of a bath."
The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned
to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."
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