Golfing Jokes
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
I came home from golfing today.
The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.........
What the hell is she talking about?
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer.
At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest,
and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,
chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again.
This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally
ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided
he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor
left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty
miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from
his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord
while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to
let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not. "Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot
straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into
the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, Who is he going to tell?"
Two men playing golf one day, got behind two women, who were playing really slow. Getting into sand traps or into the rough, and taking an exceptionally long time to play each hole. One of the men decides he will walk ahead and ask the ladies if they can play through to get ahead of them. He walks about half way to the ladies, turns around and comes back. The other golfer asks him why he didn't go on and ask them to play through. The first guy says, I can't ask them,one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress. So the second man says he will go ask.He get's half way and turns around and walks back. He looks at the first golfer and says, small world isn't it?
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"
"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker.
"The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight!"
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