Add a Joke in Sequential Order

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 13, 2013

  Once upon a time, in a nice littleforest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
  
  "Oh, my, said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
  
  "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
  
  "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
  
  So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
  **********************************************************************************************
  
  A little girl and her dog are walking through theforestwhen they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
  
  Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
  
  The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
  
  "Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
  
  "Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
  
  "Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
  

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 13, 2013

  A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
  Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
  The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
  "Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
  "Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
  "Well," thedogsays, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
  ----------------------------------
  This guy is at a garage sale and he sees an olddogsitting there.
  Above the dog, a sign reads, "Talking dog - five dollars."
  So, the guy says to the dog; "Can you really talk?"
  "Yes," answers the dog.
  So, the man says, "That's amazing. So, what's your story, why are you being sold?"
  "Well," says the dog. "I was born in the late 18th century and kind of wandered the earth by myself for awhile. It was good, I had a few puppies her and there. Then, around 1938, I met my master."
  "Well, what happened from there?" Asked the man.
  The dog continues, "Well, my master and I were a travelling road show until we decided to join the paratroopers to help fight the Germans in the second world war."
  "You actually jumped out of the planes?" Asked the man, very intrigued.
  "Oh yeah, me and my master," said the dog. "Then the war ended and we started a small bakery together and both met some women and he raised his kids. Summer of love came and we traveled around a bit. He was old, but was cool with it all. In the 70s we got involved in politics and were advisers to the carter administration until my master retired. And now, he's selling me."
  "Wow," said the man. "Hang on, I'll be back."
  So, the man walks up to the dogs owner and says, "Man, I can't believe you have a talking dog. That's amazing."
  "Yup, it's a talking dog," says the man, in a bored tone.
  "Well, I'll take him," he says, handing the man five dollars. "But, I gotta ask; why are you selling him?"
  The man looks at him stoically and replies, "Cause he's a habitual  liar."
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 22, 2013

  This guy is at agaragesale and he sees an old dog sitting there.
  Above the dog, a sign reads, "Talking dog - five dollars."
  So, the guy says to the dog; "Can you really talk?"
  "Yes," answers the dog.
  So, the man says, "That's amazing. So, what's your story, why are you being sold?"
  "Well," says the dog. "I was born in the late 18th century and kind of wandered the earth by myself for awhile. It was good, I had a few puppies her and there. Then, around 1938, I met my master."
  
  "Well, what happened from there?" Asked the man.
  
  The dog continues, "Well, my master and I were a travelling road show until we decided to join the paratroopers to help fight the germans in the second world war."
  
  "You actually jumped out of the planes?" Asked the man, very intrigued.
  
  "Oh yeah, me and my master," said the dog. "Then the war ended and we started a small bakery together and both met some women and he raised his kids. Summer of love came and we traveled around a bit. He was old, but was cool with it all. In the 70s we got involved in politics and were advisers to the carter administration until my master retired. And now, he's selling me."
  
  "Wow," said the man. "Hang on, I'll be back."
  
  So, the man walks up to the dogs owner and says, "Man, I can't believe you have a talking dog. That's amazing."
  
  "Yup, it's a talking dog," says the man, in a bored tone.
  
  "Well, I'll take him," he says, handing the man five dollars. "But, I gotta ask; why are you selling him?"
  
  The man looks at him stoically and replies, "Cause he's a habitual  liar."
  *********************************************************************************************
  
  The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
  his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked
  up to him
  and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your
  garagedoor?
  "The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
  and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished
  his
  paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He
  then
  understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."
  He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
  "When my
  garage
  door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? "She smiled and
  said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat
  tires.

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 22, 2013

  The bosswalked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?
  "The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished
  his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door." He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
  "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? "She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
  -------------------------------------
  I just got hired by a large accounting firm. Wanting to make a good first impression, I figured I’d stay late my first day of work. As I was leaving, I sawthe bossstanding in front of the paper shredder muttering to himself. I eagerly asked him, “Can I help out?” He replied in frustration, “My secretary is gone for the day and I have this sensitive document and can’t get the machine to work.” I said, “No problem, let me show you how it works.”
  We put in the paper, and while it’s feeding the machine, he turns to me and says, “Thanks so much, all I need is one copy!”
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 22, 2013

  I just got hired by a large accounting firm. Wanting to make a good first impression, I figured Id stay late my first day of work. As I was leaving, I saw the bossstanding in front of the paper shredder muttering to himself. I eagerly asked him, Can I help out? He replied in frustration, Mysecretaryis gone for the day and I have this sensitive document and cant get the machine to work. I said, No problem, let me show you how it works.
  We put in the paper, and while its feeding the machine, he turns to me and says, Thanks so much, all I need is one copy!
  ************************************
  
  Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
  
  She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
  
  The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
  
  When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, mysecretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
  
  I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
  
  We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
  
  On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
  
  “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 24, 2013

  Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well,  that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
  tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss,
  if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed bymy wife,children and
  dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... naked.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest a  chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.
  They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
  "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
  "Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
  The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy.
  "Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
  As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
  "No way," said his buddy."Mywifewon twice last week."
  
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 24, 2013

  Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest a  chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.
  They pumped their gas and went to pay the maleattendant.
  "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
  "Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
  The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy.
  "Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
  As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
  "No way," said his buddy."My wife won twice last week."
  ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
  
  6.  Q:  How do you tell the difference between a jet engine and a flightattendant?
  
  A:  The engine quits whining when you reach the gate.
  
  
  

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 24, 2013

  Q:  How do you tell the difference between a jet engine and aflight attendant?
  
  A:  The engine quits whining when you reach the gate.
  -----------------------------------
  A  blondeflight attendantwas on her first layover, and was late for pickup the next day.  The purser called her room to see if she was on her way.  The blonde girl answered the phone, crying, and said, “I’m trapped in my room!”
  
  “What do you mean, you’re trapped in your room?” the purser asked.  “You’re late for pickup, come on down.”
  
  “There’s no way out,” the blonde girl sobbed.  “There are only three doors here.  One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!”
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 24, 2013

  A  blonde flight attendant was on her first layover, and was late for pickup the next day.  The purser called her room to see if she was on her way.  Theblonde girlanswered the phone, crying, and said, Im trapped in my room!
  
  What do you mean, youre trapped in your room? the purser asked.  Youre late for pickup, come on down.
  
  Theres no way out, the blonde girl sobbed.  There are only three doors here.  One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!
  *********************************************************
  
  Ablonde girlwas talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
  The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
  The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
  
  

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 24, 2013

  A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend abouther boyfriend's dandruff problem.
  The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
  The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
  -------------------------------
  A Blonde suspectsher boyfriendof cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 25, 2013

  A Blondesuspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
  
  ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
  
  There wasa blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 25, 2013

  There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on anislandand the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back
  ------------------------
  On a beautiful desertedislandin the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....
  One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
  The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
  The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
  The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
  The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
  The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
  The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
  The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
  Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
  The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
  The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 26, 2013

  On a beautiful desertedisland in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....
  One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
  The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
  The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
  The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
  The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
  The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
  The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
  The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both bloody wankers and is checking out all the other men.
  Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
  The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
  The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.
  ***********************************************
  
  An American business man takes a short business trip to Japan. He arrives on a Sunday night, with meetings on that Tuesday. Since he is in a foreign land, and is bored with nothing to do, he calls up a prostitute service. AJapanese womanarrives at the door with in the hour, and the two proceed to have sex with eachother. The woman is on top, and the entire time all she says is "hoshimoto." The man doesn't know what to think, since he doesn't understand what she's saying, but the woman appears to be having a good time, so they continue. After the climax, the man pays the woman and she leaves. The next day, the American decides to play golf with some of the Japanese people he will be meeting with the next day. The round is relatively standard except for the 18th hole. When it is the American man's turn to drive, he hits a hole in one. All the Japanese people start yelling in celebration, and the American doesn't know what to say, so he says the first Japanese word that pops into his head, "hoshimoto." One of the Japanese business men looks at him, and in a thick accent says: "What do you mean, 'wrong hole?'"

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 26, 2013

  An American business mantakes a short business trip to Japan. He arrives on a Sunday night, with meetings on that Tuesday. Since he is in a foreign land, and is bored with nothing to do, he calls up a prostitute service. A Japanese woman arrives at the door with in the hour, and the two proceed to have sex with eachother. The woman is on top, and the entire time all she says is "hoshimoto." The man doesn't know what to think, since he doesn't understand what she's saying, but the woman appears to be having a good time, so they continue. After the climax, the man pays the woman and she leaves. The next day, the American decides to play golf with some of the Japanese people he will be meeting with the next day. The round is relatively standard except for the 18th hole. When it is the American man's turn to drive, he hits a hole in one. All the Japanese people start yelling in celebration, and the American doesn't know what to say, so he says the first Japanese word that pops into his head, "hoshimoto." One of the Japanese business men looks at him, and in a thick accent says: "What do you mean, 'wrong hole?'"
  ------------------------------------
  An American business manwas in India. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Bhoolbhoolaiya, Bhoolbhoolaiya!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Indian counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Bhoolbhoolaiya". The Indian clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole.
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 26, 2013

  An American business man was inIndia. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Bhoolbhoolaiya, Bhoolbhoolaiya!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Indian counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Bhoolbhoolaiya". The Indian clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole.
  ****************************************************
  
  
  
  A foreign tourist inIndiahired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build. Twenty years,? replied the guide. "You Indians are a lazy lot" the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five. At Agra he admired the Taj's beauty and asked how many years it took to build. "Only ten years" said the guide. The tourist retorted: "You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.? In this fashion, the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: "I don't know. It wasn't there yesterday evening."

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 26, 2013

  A foreign touristin India hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build. Twenty years,? replied the guide. "You Indians are a lazy lot" the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five. At Agra he admired the Taj's beauty and asked how many years it took to build. "Only ten years" said the guide. The tourist retorted: "You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.? In this fashion, the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: "I don't know. It wasn't there yesterday evening."
  ------------------------------
  A foreign touristis traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Inca temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details.
  To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures.
  The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
  "This temple is 553 years old", replies the guide.
  Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
  "Easy", replies the guide, "my first day here the archaeologists said the temple was 550 years old, and that was three years ago"
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 27, 2013

  A foreign tourist is traveling with aguidethrough one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Inca temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details.
  To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures.
  The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
  "This temple is 553 years old", replies the guide.
  Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
  "Easy", replies the guide, "my first day here the archaeologists said the temple was 550 years old, and that was three years ago"
  ******************************************************
  
  A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around theguidewho says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
  A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
  "1215," answers the guide.
  The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
  
  
  

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 27, 2013

  A bus load oftourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
  A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
  "1215," answers the guide.
  The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
  ---------------------------------
  A bus load ofpoliticians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
  A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
  The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 27, 2013

  A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
  A few days later,the local sheriffcame out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
  The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
  *******************************************
  
  
  
  The local sheriffwas looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, went in to try out for the job.
  "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
  "11" he replied.
  The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but, in one way, he's right."
  "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
  "Today and tomorrow."
  He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
  "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
  Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
  "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
  So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
  

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 27, 2013

  The local sheriff was looking fora deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, went in to try out for the job.
  "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
  "11" he replied.
  The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but, in one way, he's right."
  "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
  "Today and tomorrow."
  He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
  "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
  Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
  "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
  So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
  ---------------------------
  A deputypolice officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
  Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist - probably better than Houdini."
  The giant nodded.
  "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
  Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
  "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
  "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 27, 2013

  A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
  Saidthe policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist - probably better than Houdini."
  The giant nodded.
  "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
  Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
  "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
  "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
  **************************************************
  
  A man was driving to work when a box fell off the back of a lorry in front of him. The box burst open and spread upholstery tacks all over the road. The man swerved violently but fortunately managed to avoid the tacks and any punctures. Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. "I'm sorry sir,"the policemantold the driver, "I am going to have to write you a ticket for that." Amazed, the driver asked "what for?"
  The policeman replied, "Tacks evasion

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 27, 2013

  A manwas driving to work when a box fell off the back of a lorry in front of him. The box burst open and spread upholstery tacks all over the road. The man swerved violently but fortunately managed to avoid the tacks and any punctures. Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. "I'm sorry sir," the policeman told the driver, "I am going to have to write you a ticket for that." Amazed, the driver asked "what for?"
  The policeman replied, "Tacks evasion.
  ---------------------------
  Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.
  Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?"
  The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
  "What happened then?" they ask.
  "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight likea man.'"
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 27, 2013

  Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.
  Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?"
  The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, mywifecame to me on her hands and knees."
  "What happened then?" they ask.
  "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'
  
  *********************************************************
  
  The man tells his doctor that hiswifehasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
  
  When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
  
  "For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
  
  The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
  
  
  

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  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Jun 27, 2013

  The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
  
  When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
  
  "For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so thecab driveralways asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
  
  The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
  -----------------------------------
  Acab driverreaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
  
  Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
  
  The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
  
  St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
  

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