MA
ManOfWicklowAutor original
May 7, 2012These two guys go out hunting and the one guy has a scope on his gun and he says to the other guy "Hey I can see your house through the scope and your wife cheating on you with another man!" So the other guy says "alright shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts." So the shooter says "Well I can get that in one shot."
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- MAManOfWicklowAutor originalJan 2, 2013I went into the bedroom and found my wife with a big smile on her face and a small tree in the bed, so I shouted " No, you stupid deaf woman, I said it would be nice to try three in a bed"ReaccionarResponder
- MAManOfWicklowAutor originalJan 4, 2013Harry went into town and got a bottle of wine for his wife – it was one of the best deals he’d ever made.ReaccionarResponder
- MAManOfWicklowAutor originalJan 10, 2013What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.ReaccionarResponder
- NUJan 10, 2013[quote]A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find herhusband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was aboutto storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired andbedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roastbeef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandalson her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discardedbecause they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her asweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because thecolor did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pairof yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then whenshe was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is thereanything else your wife doesn't use any more?"[/quote]
So mean, but I can't stop laughingReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalFeb 5, 2013She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalFeb 7, 2013I came back from the pub one night and the next morning I realised that men are as good looking as when they went to bed the night before but for some reason women deteriorate overnight!ReaccionarResponder
- MAManOfWicklowAutor originalMar 29, 2013[quote]The wife has asked me for something in Silk for Easter.....I bet the tin of Emulsion I get her will be the wrong bloody color .
[/quote]Be careful she doesn't give you thebrush off.ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalApr 7, 2013A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''ReaccionarResponder - TH
Apr 8, 2013My wife was visiting a friend and saw a small vase on the mantelpiece. She commented that its "a beautiful vase."Her friend replied, "Oh thanks, those are my husbands ashes!" My wife was taken aback, "Oh, I didn't know he was dead." Her friend smiled, "He isn't, he smokes and can never find the ashtray."ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalApr 8, 2013Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalApr 9, 2013A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."ReaccionarResponder - THApr 10, 2013Twobuddieswere sharing drinks while discussing theirwives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" . "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into thetrickdogaspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."ReaccionarResponder
- MAManOfWicklowAutor originalApr 11, 2013Q: How do you know when your wife is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "My husband once told me....."ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalApr 15, 2013A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalMay 15, 2013The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart."What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife."They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies."Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket."What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband."It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."ReaccionarResponder
- THMay 21, 2013My ex liked to play this game called "yell from four rooms away and get upset when I cant hear her".ReaccionarResponder
- MAManOfWicklowAutor originalMay 21, 2013Wife: I hear you've been telling everyone that I'm stupid.
Husband: Sorry, I didn't realise it was a secret.ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalJul 11, 2013An married couple was cleaning out their closet after their 50th wedding anniversary.
After clearing out most of the junk, they found a shoe box with $10,000 and a coconut in it.
"Whats this?" the wife asked.
The husband replied, "Every time I cheated on you, I put a coconut in a shoe box."
"Well", said the wife. " I guess one coconut in 35 years isn't that bad. What's the money for?"
The husband admitted, "Everytime the box got full, I sold the coconuts."ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalJul 26, 2013After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt, I saw $45 in makeup.I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!
"She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalAug 26, 2013The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night."ReaccionarResponder
- MAManOfWicklowAutor originalSep 29, 2013A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'ReaccionarResponder - THSep 29, 2013The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I answered,"Let's see 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 then you, 8,9,"ReaccionarResponder
- NUDec 10, 2013[quote]The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I answered,"Let's see 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 then you, 8,9,"
[/quote] and then she shot you in the arm, walked up to you and whispered something in your ear( i slept with your brother and cousins ) about the men she has slept with and walked out the door.ReaccionarResponder - MAManOfWicklowAutor originalDec 10, 2013I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'ReaccionarResponder