TH
thomasstierneyUrsprünglicher Verfasser
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserFeb 4, 2015I have a doctor's appointment on Monday; I'm not even sick – it's just that I've been working out, and I want someone to see me naked.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserFeb 6, 2015My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserFeb 19, 2015Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're going to pay. You have my Word.ReagierenAntworten
- DE
Feb 21, 2015[quote]"George Washington had fifty-five children with slaves, so he
was also the illegitimate father of the country. We should take
him off the dollar and put him on food stamps."
---The Mooney Twins
[/quote]I found this to be quite interesting so I did additional research on the subject. So far I have been unable to verify this figure of 55 children sired by George Washington with slaves. Can you provide any research data on this subject? I would be most appreciative in having it. Thank you. DesertRat.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserFeb 21, 2015An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a tornpair of pants.
"Euripides?" Asks the tailor.
"Yeah, Eumenides?" Replies the man.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserFeb 21, 2015Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserFeb 28, 2015Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.
They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserFeb 28, 2015The next time you go on the roller coaster,take a handful of nuts and bolts with you,
and just as the car starts forward, hand them to the people in front of you and tell them they were under their seats.ReagierenAntworten - MA
Feb 28, 2015Put chocolate spread all over your hand then put your hand underneath to the cubicle next to you and ask for some toilet paper because you are all out.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 1, 2015My Grand Mother said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 4, 2015Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now we do not see you any more.
We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you,
so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 6, 2015During childhood, we're told that jokes about the genital areas are adult content,
but once we're adults, the jokes are considered childish.ReagierenAntworten - MAMar 6, 2015Men spend 9 months trying to get out of the womb and a lifetime trying to get back in.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 6, 2015There was the young lady who was arrested for wearing a two-piece outfit to the beach...Socks.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 6, 2015Also known as "women's intuition," this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?
In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces...that, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 8, 2015Our clocks all need changing tonight.
Daylight Saving Time oh what a blight!
We may think it a crock,
But must alter each clock
Till the powers that be see the light.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 9, 2015As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself,
"This place obviously wasn't named by a real-estate developer."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 11, 2015Maybe carrots will improve my eyesight and give me strong, sharp eyes, but what if they also give me long floppy ears?ReagierenAntworten
- MAMar 11, 2015[quote]Maybe carrots will improve my eyesight and give me strong, sharp eyes, but what if they also give me long floppy ears?[/quote]You'd look funny on the dance floor doing the bunny hop.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 11, 2015Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, If you build it, they will come?ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 17, 2015A wife asks her husband, an engineer,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 17, 2015A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though.
Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 18, 2015Why did the rooster cross the road?
To get to the chick across the street!ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMar 20, 2015Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers?
It's called On & On Anon.ReagierenAntworten