TH
thomasstierneyUrsprünglicher Verfasser
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- MA
Oct 9, 2015An elderly couple go to church one Sunday.
Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserOct 20, 2015There was the young lady who was arrested for wearing a two-piece outfit to the beach...Socks.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserOct 21, 2015One day a six year old asked, "Daddy, what's a transvestite?"
He said, "Go ask your mother... he'll tell you."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserOct 21, 2015An aging Sheik had determined that only one of his sons would inherit his sheikdom.
To choose the benefactor, he gave each of them a horse, and instructed them that whichever horse returned last,
would be the one who inherited the sheikdom.
The sons wandered around out there on the desert for months, neither wanting to be the first to return.
Then they came upon a wise old man, and explained their plight to him.
He immediately solved their problem and the matter was decided that very day.
What advice did the wise old man give the sons?
Congratulations to all who answered:
He advised them to swap horses!ReagierenAntworten - MAOct 21, 2015Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in Sydney gave me a sexually transmitted disease".
His mate replies "you were lucky, in Darwin you would have had to pay for it!"ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserOct 22, 2015*Airport Full Body Scan Status Report*
Finally, some useful facts are coming out about all of those airport
full body scans!*FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS*
*CATSA disclosed the following*
*Airport Screening Results*
*December 2014 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :*
*Terrorists Discovered* = 0
*Transvestites* = 133
*Hernias* = 1,485
*Hemorrhoid Cases* = 3,172
*Enlarged Prostates* = 8,249
*Breast Implants* = 59,350
*Natural Blondes* = 3
*It was also discovered that 308 politicians*
*had no balls.*
Thought you'd like to know.ReagierenAntworten - MAOct 22, 2015Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserOct 22, 2015Supposedly I was created in God's image. I don't know...
you'd think God would have a bigger penis than this.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserOct 23, 2015Mike finally comes out of the closet and admits to Bill that he is gay.
Bill says, "You're a homosexual? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?"
"No," Mike said, "I'm seeing a lieutenant in the Navy."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserOct 23, 2015Yesterday I went to a new restaurant in the neighborhood, its name is Karma.
They don't use a menu. You get what you deserve.ReagierenAntworten - MAOct 23, 2015Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserOct 24, 2015Heisenberg and Schrodinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrodinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrodinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrodinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserNov 7, 2015I went to local Hamburger Restaurant. I asked the waitress,
"Do you really serve the meanest burgers in town?"
She said, "That's what our motto is, sir! And we are very true to it."
I ordered a hamburger and ate it.
While collecting the check, the waitress asked me, "How did you like our burger, sir?"
I said, "Mmmeh! It was about average."
The waitress beamed with joy and exclaimed, "You see! We are so true to our motto..."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserNov 15, 2015Daddy, what does "Formatting Non-removable Disk" mean?ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserNov 21, 2015Top Twenty Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on, too.
6. Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name.
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserNov 25, 2015A 10-gallon hat actually only holds about 3/4 gallon.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserNov 28, 2015A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Ireland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, Paddy drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."Paddy replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the UK and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
Paddy smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Ireland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Mic Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Mic Three-Kick Rule?"
Paddy replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
Paddy slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the Paddy's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
Paddy smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserDec 8, 2015I found a 20 dollar bill today, I wondered what to do, but then I remembered the Christian adage,
"What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine.ReagierenAntworten - KI
Dec 9, 2015I can always tell when I given my wife an orgasm. She puts down her cell phone.
ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserDec 10, 2015$203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserDec 12, 2015Scientists have found the gene for shyness.
They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserDec 13, 2015I turned on the TV and some golf tournament was on. I watched for a few minutes.
It seemsthe point of golf...is to play the least amount of golf possible.ReagierenAntworten - MADec 20, 2015Q: What do you call 5 Vancouver Canucks players standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserDec 20, 2015I object and take exception to everyone saying Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor.
As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.ReagierenAntworten