TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- THthomasstierneyAutor originalMar 21, 2015When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!ReaccionarResponder
- MA
Mar 29, 2015If you right a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success ?ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalMar 29, 2015If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.ReaccionarResponder
- MAMar 29, 2015When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalMar 29, 2015I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 2, 2015Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!ReaccionarResponder
- KI
Apr 2, 2015Guy goes to his doctor.
Doctor says, "I have bad news and really bad news."
The guy says, "Give me the really bad news first."
Doctor says, "You have cancer.
Guy says, "And the bad news?"
Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."
Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 2, 2015Two women were watching a blonde walk by. The first one said,
"I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde." "Suicide blonde?
What's that?" "Dyed by her own hand!"ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 9, 2015A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer.
The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen.
It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them.
If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack!
So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says
"Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk"!ReaccionarResponder - KIApr 11, 2015I went down to a convenience store one day that said 'Open 24 Hours.' But then, I saw a guy locking up. I said, 'The sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row.'
- Steven WrightReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 11, 2015"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
~Bernard BaileyReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 11, 2015"The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish."
~Robert JacksonReaccionarResponder - MAApr 11, 2015"The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is Terrorism"ReaccionarResponder
- SH
Apr 11, 2015Those who do not learn from the past are destine to relive it!ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 13, 2015Two policemen call the station on their radio.
"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge.
A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 14, 2015Q: "Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll?
A: I think it was called Rumpled Foreskin"ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 17, 2015If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 18, 2015I was in the Buccaneer Lounge last night sitting at the bar waiting for a fresh scotch and water, when a
butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.
She said, "Hey, sexy, how about giving me your number?"
I looked at her said, "Have you got a pen."
She said, "I sure do."
I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 25, 2015I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 25, 2015Many times as I'm browsing through a bookstore I will find a book that I have read.
I will glance through it. I will see old friends.
I will leave them there. I do not need them as roommates.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 28, 2015There are other books I just give away.
They are like the ex-lovers I want to forget.
A book that I read to pass the time, there was never a need to read the sequel.ReaccionarResponder