TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- THthomasstierneyAutor originalDec 21, 2015I wonder do batteries feel lonely when they are not includedReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 3, 2016A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???"ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 5, 2016Several friends were chatting over dinner in a restaurant.
A man at the next table told his mobile phone caller to hold on.
Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, One the group said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said. "You were making too much noise."ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 5, 2016Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O."
The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water too."
The first chemist broke down in tears, his assassination attempt had failed.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 8, 2016It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett
woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the
Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along
the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim
Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of
the wall. These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans
moving steadily toward them.With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie
and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"ReagirResponder - MEMembroJan 8, 2016Is naked is boring to discuss and observe? When it comes to discussing and observe . . . JOKES. OR EVEN THOUGHTS. ;-)
Speak a bit, whenever, what it's like being naked. jy
For me: It feels like not having clothes on. Natural.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 8, 2016A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school.
He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact:
"There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."ReagirResponder - MA
Jan 8, 2016Q: How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine? A: Both have pricks on their back.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 10, 2016The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast.ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 27, 2016Bill and Jack went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.
As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat.
Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Jack. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.
Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"ReagirResponder - MAJan 27, 2016A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 28, 2016A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this!" the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I mean I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 28, 2016Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJan 29, 2016A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.
Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.
The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death.
He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalFeb 16, 2016A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalFeb 19, 2016Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalFeb 20, 2016How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalMar 7, 2016Rainy Day Reminiscing.
One evening a beautiful young woman appeared in my life.
For three dates we dined, danced, drank and talked.
On the fourth date as I walked her to her door, she suggested a night cap .....
The next morning I jokingly said, "I was so sure that you would say yes, I brought a toothbrush with me".
She smiled that beautiful smile, nodded toward the bathroom and said, "Yours is the blue one".ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalMar 10, 2016The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalMar 12, 2016Rainy Day Reminiscing About Books And Past Love Affairs.
One evening an exciting book appeared in my life. A book with a young fresh plot I soon fell in love with.
I enjoyed every chapter not knowing and not caring how the book would end.
Unexpectedly I lost the book that I loved so much.
I never tried to find a replacement copy. I knew there never could be a sequel.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalMar 18, 2016When hugging someone you care for always bring them to your left so your hearts meet.ReagirResponder
- MAMar 18, 2016A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.Officer: "You were speeding." Man: "No, I wasn't." Officer: "Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket." Man: "But I wasn't speeding." Officer: "Tell that to the judge!" (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: "Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?" Officer: "Yes, you would." Man: "What if I just thought that you were?" Officer: "I can't give you a ticket for what you think." Man: "Fine, I think you're a jerk!"ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalMar 24, 2016Is it OK if I bite the hand that doesn't feed me?ReagirResponder
- MAMar 24, 2016What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other ?ReagirResponder