TH
thomasstierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- MA
Jul 13, 2013It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 14, 2013Twitter was definitely invented by a man, because a woman would have chosen a way higher character limit..ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 15, 2013My ex insisted on hiring my new secretary for me.
I told her my first choice would be a blonde but; its ok if shes a brunette.
She said, He's bald."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 16, 2013What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
If you kill an outlaw, it's homicide and if you kill your in-laws it’s called pesticide.ReactReply - MAJul 16, 2013I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 17, 2013What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws don't overstay their welcome.ReactReply - MAJul 17, 2013The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
-Johnny CarsonReactReply - MAJul 18, 2013One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 19, 2013I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for two years.
We haven't quarreled. I just don't like to interrupt her.ReactReply - MAJul 19, 2013I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the mother-in-law?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 20, 2013A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 22, 2013I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.
Please don't buy itReactReply - MAJul 23, 2013A lady says to her pal: "I have to be really careful not to get pregnant. "Her confused pal asks: "But I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?" "Exactly," she replied.ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 24, 2013A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand over there and wait to see who buys them?"ReactReply - MAJul 27, 2013The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 27, 2013When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 29, 2013I hated it when my dog sat there and smiled as I picked up his crap.ReactReply
- MAJul 29, 2013
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." An American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterJul 31, 2013I was sitting on the porch sipping wine with my ex when she said, "I love you."
I sarcastically asked, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She quietly replied, "Its me, talking to the wine."ReactReply - MAJul 31, 2013I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
~Zsa Zsa GaborReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterAug 1, 2013Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.ReactReply
- MAAug 1, 2013Eating in foreign restaurants is very educational. I can now say vomit in 15 different languages.ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterAug 6, 2013I gave up multitasking, with me means screwing up several things at once...ReactReply