Medical Jokes.
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
Redneck's Medical Dictionary
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle.
So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.
"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"
"Why, yes," replied the man.
"And did you have sex while over there?"
The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."
The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"
The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"
"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation."
"An operation? What kind of operation?"
"We cut off your penis."
"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"
The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"
The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.
He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician.
After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.
"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.
"Yes."
"And is it really incurable?"
"Yes, there is no known cure."
The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"
At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.
"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"
As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"
"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.
"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"
Paddyspeaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart.'
'Is this her first child?' the doctor queries.
'No, you idiot.'Paddyshouts. 'This is her husband.'
A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career.
After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her surgeon by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape in his office.
When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?"
"Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
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