TH
thomasstierneyصاحب المنشور
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
تفاعلرداشترك
الردود
- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورMay 31, 2013Question: Whats the difference betweena womanwith PMS and a pit bull?
Answer: Lipstick.
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A girl wants attention.
A Womanwants respect.تفاعلرد - MA
May 31, 2013Agirlwants attention.
A Woman wants respect.
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A congressman was seated next to a littlegirlon an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 1, 2013One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said,
"Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him."
So theministerbegan his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly,
"Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,
I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.
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A BaptistMinisterand a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5."
Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $50!"
This catches the Baptists attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. "Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Baptist doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.
Now, its the Baptists turn. He asks the Presbyterian "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks "Well, so whats the answer?"
Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.تفاعلرد - MAJun 1, 2013ABaptistMinister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5."
Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $50!"
This catches the Baptists attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. "Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Baptist doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.
Now, its the Baptists turn. He asks the Presbyterian "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks "Well, so whats the answer?"
Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
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The pastor of a poorBaptistchurch passed away and the congregation
went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.
"Would you give $5 to bury the Baptist preacher?"
"Here's $10," said the atheist, "bury two of them."تفاعلرد - MAJun 4, 2013
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My father works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. Mymotherspends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape
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Mrs. Bacciagalupe visits her son Anthony and his female roommate Maria.
During dinner, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two. Reading his Momma's thoughts, Anthony volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria says to Anthony, "Ever since yourmothervisited, I haven't been able to find the silver sugar bowl. Do you think she took it?"
"I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her." He e-mails his mother: "Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony."
Momma writes back: "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 5, 2013What do you give anelephantwith diarrhea?
Lots of room!
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What do you call anelephantat the North Pole?
Lost!تفاعلرد - MAJun 5, 2013What do you call anelephantat the North Pole?
Lost!
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When should you feed milk to a babyelephant?
When it's a baby elephant!تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 6, 2013When should you feed milk to a babyelephant?
When it's a baby elephant!
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Q: What do you call anelephantwith a machine gun?
A: Sir.تفاعلرد - MAJun 6, 2013Q: What do you call anelephantwith a machine gun?
A: Sir.
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Q: What does anelephanthave that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 6, 2013Q: What does an elephant have that nothing else has?
A: Babyelephants.
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Q: How do you get twoelephantsout of the water?
A: One by one.تفاعلرد - MAJun 7, 2013Q: How do you get two elephants out of thewater?
A: One by one.
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A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass ofwater?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 9, 2013A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, theboyscreams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"
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A littleboyis in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"تفاعلرد - MAJun 9, 2013A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3womensitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
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A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 9, 2013A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to apriest.The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
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The newpriestis nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"تفاعلرد - MAJun 9, 2013The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over yourchest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"
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Q: What do you call nuts on yourchest?
A: Chest nutsتفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 10, 2013Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chestnuts
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Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because theirnutsfall over their assholes and they vapor lock.تفاعلرد - MAJun 10, 2013Q: Why domensnore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their nuts fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
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Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Fourmenwatching a football game.تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 11, 2013Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Fourmenwatching a football game
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to bemen.تفاعلرد - MAJun 11, 2013Little Johnny wanted to go to thezooand pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his motherasked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at thezoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 12, 2013A kangarookept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
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An Australian, visiting for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectable young lady outside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees.
Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room.
"Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"
"Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything likea Kangaroo, you need planty of room!"تفاعلرد - MAJun 12, 2013An Australian, visiting for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectableyoung ladyoutside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees.
Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room.
"Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"
"Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything like a Kangaroo, you need planty of room!"
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An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with ayoung ladyin her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?†he asked a friend.
“Your chances are better,†said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.â€تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 12, 2013
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old manfalls in love with a young lady in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
Do you think shed marry me if I tell her Im 45? he asked a friend.
Your chances are better, said the friend, if you tell her youre 90.
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A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at theold man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''تفاعلرد - MAJun 12, 2013A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the oldman, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
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Amanwas driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid him, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see if anything could be done. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The man felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man weeping on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The lady told the man not to worry. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She then walked over to the limp, dead animal and sprayed him thoroughly.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet later, the rabbit stopped, turned around and waved at the two again. He continued down the road, stopping every 50 feet to turn and wave.
The man was astonished. He asked the woman, "What just happened?"
The lady smiled and turned the can so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare and adds permanent wave."تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورJun 12, 2013
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid him, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see if anything could be done. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The man felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man weeping on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The lady told the man not to worry. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She then walked over to the limp, dead animal and sprayed him thoroughly.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet later, therabbitstopped, turned around and waved at the two again. He continued down the road, stopping every 50 feet to turn and wave.
The man was astonished. He asked the woman, "What just happened?"
The lady smiled and turned the can so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare and adds permanent wave."
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Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my, said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunnyrabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."تفاعلرد