TH
thomasstierneyUrsprünglicher Verfasser
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
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Antworten
- MA
May 9, 2013A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as herheartbegan to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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An elderly patient needed ahearttransplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.â€
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,†said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,†the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.â€ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 10, 2013Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddie: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
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Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually."ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 10, 2013Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually."
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A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up theiron."
"What about the other ear?"
"They called back."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 10, 2013A blonde with two burnt ears went to thedoctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other ear?"
"They called back."
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A man went to see thedoctor.
Man: "Doc, do you think I can live for another fifty years?"
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you visit whores?"
Man: "Certainly not!"
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live another fifty years?"ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 11, 2013Amanwent to see the doctor.
Man: "Doc, do you think I can live for another fifty years?"
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you visit whores?"
Man: "Certainly not!"
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live another fifty years?"
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Q:What did the elephant say to the nakedman?
A: How do you drink water with that?ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 11, 2013Q:What did theelephantsay to the naked man?
A: How do you drink water with that?
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Q. What do you call anelephantthat flies?
A. A jumbo jet.ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 11, 2013Q. What do you call anelephantthat flies?
A. A jumbo jet.
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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and bang her all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a crap first.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 11, 2013A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
Theco-pilotsays to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and bang her all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a crap first.
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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks thecopilotwhat he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 11, 2013A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first classticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
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A husband was engrossed in a magazine while his wife was reading the newspaper. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Get this," she said. "Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a seasonticketto the stadium."
"Hmmmmm," her husband mumbled, still engrossed in his magazine.
Wanting to test him, she asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not!" he said.
"That's so sweet," she replied. "Tell me why not."
"Heck, the season's more than half over!" he said.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 12, 2013
A husband was engrossed in a magazine while his wife was reading the newspaper. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Get this," she said. "Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmmmm," herhusbandmumbled, still engrossed in his magazine.
Wanting to test him, she asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not!" he said.
"That's so sweet," she replied. "Tell me why not."
"Heck, the season's more than half over!" he said.
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time myhusbandcomes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 12, 2013A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time myhusband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in yourmouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid?
A: She opens hermouth.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 12, 2013Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid?
A: She opens hermouth.
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Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?;
A: Run, she's got a grenade in hermouth!ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 12, 2013Q: What do you do if aBlondethrows a pin at you?;
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
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Ablondeand her husband are sleeping when the neighbor’s dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!' She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?' The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor’s dog barking all night.'ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 13, 2013A blonde and her husband are sleeping when theneighbors dogstarts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says
'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!' She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face.
The husband asks 'So, what did you do?' The blonde says
'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbors dog barking all night.'
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This morning myneighbors doglooked at me and then said "Tell me a joke"...
I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"
"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.
"Ok" I said "Knock Knock"
Then he ran off shouting "It's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door" ....ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 13, 2013This morning my neighbors dog looked at me and then said "Tell me a joke"...
I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"
"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.
"Ok" I said "Knock Knock"
Then he ran off shouting "It's thedoor, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door" ....
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A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get adoorhinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''
She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 13, 2013Acouplejust got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''
She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''
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A marriedcoupleis lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep,
and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some
encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies,
You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 13, 2013A married couple is lying in bed one night.
Thewifeis curled up, ready to go to sleep,
and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some
encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies,
You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
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A man takes hiswifeto the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 13, 2013
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
Themanturns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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Superman is getting tired of being a superhero. So, he decides to go
out and have some fun. He flies to Gotham city and asks Batman if he
wants to go with him, get drunk, and get laid. Batman says no man, I
gotta protect Gotham city, you know. So superman flies to Spiderman and
asks him if he wants to go out, get drunk, and get laid. Spiderman
also refuses by saying he has to protect the city. So Superman goes
alone. He's flying along when he sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, right
in the middle of nowhere. He thinks to himself "I'm as fast as a
speeding bullet. I'll give her a quick pop and she won't notice" So
Superman flies down, fucks her and flies back up. Wonder Woman says
"What the fuck was that?" The invisiblemansays, "I don't know but my
ass is really killing me..."ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 13, 2013Superman is getting tired of being a superhero. So, he decides to go
out and have some fun. He flies to Gotham city and asks Batman if he
wants to go with him, get drunk, and get laid. Batman says no man, I
gotta protect Gotham city, you know. So superman flies to Spiderman and
asks him if he wants to go out, get drunk, and get laid. Spiderman
also refuses by saying he has to protect the city. So Superman goes
alone. He's flying along when he sees WonderWomanspread eagle, right
in the middle of nowhere. He thinks to himself "I'm as fast as a
speeding bullet. I'll give her a quick pop and she won't notice" So
Superman flies down, fucks her and flies back up. Wonder Woman says
"What the fuck was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but my
ass is really killing me..."
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After marrying a youngwoman, a 90-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he brought an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the Old Man said "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 14, 2013After marrying a young woman, a 90-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting ababy.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he brought an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the Old Man said "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
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A woman and ababycome into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 14, 2013A woman and a baby come into the doctor'soffice. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"
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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the frontoffice. Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.
Were short-handed, Smith the boss replies. I cant give you the day off.
Thanks, boss, says Smith I knew I could count on you!ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 15, 2013Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.
Were short-handed, Smith thebossreplies. I cant give you the day off.
Thanks, boss, says Smith I knew I could count on you!
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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call himboss.''ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 16, 2013One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incomingtelephonecalls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
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After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, thetelephonebecame their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 17, 2013After mywifeand her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
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Two airmen from NY were at the golf course near Lackland Air Force Base and were waiting to tee off. They started talking about being back in Texas one said to the other only two things come from Texas. Football Players & Hookers. A full bird Colonel was standing right behind them and over heard what was said. He tapped the airmen on the back and said "Mywifeis from Texas". Without blinking an eye The Airman said... "And what position does she play!"ReagierenAntworten