Add a Joke in Sequential Order - Humor and Fun em True Nudists

Jan 31, 2013

Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.

Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.

A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"

APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?

Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."

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Respostas

TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 26, 2013

Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are forUniversitylads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
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A guy asked a girl in auniversitylibrary "Do you mind if I sit beside you?â€ The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?â€
The guy then responded with a loud voice, â€œ$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!â€
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 26, 2013
A guy asked a girl in a universitylibrary"Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
===============================

A German walks into alibraryand asks for a book on war.
The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."
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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 27, 2013
A German walks into alibraryand asks for a book on war.
The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."
-----------------
Q. What building has the most stories?
A. Thelibraryof course!
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 27, 2013
Q. What building has the most stories?
A. Thelibraryof course!
=============================

A man walks into alibraryand asks for a book on suffocation.
The librarian says, "Would you like a bag with that?"
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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 28, 2013
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suffocation.
The librariansays, "Would you like a bag with that?"
----------------------------
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think alibrarianis the best; everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable

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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 28, 2013
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think a librarian is the best; everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I likeconstruction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable
=============================

Twoconstruction workerswork on the 30th floor. One of them has to pee, so the other guy agrees to hold on to him while he leans out a window. Just then the dinner bell sounds and the guy who was holding the other guy runs down to get his food.
On the 20th floor he is stopped by his boss, who asks if the guy he works with is gay. "Why do you ask?" he says.
"Because a minute ago he came flying past my window with his d**k in his hand yelling, 'Where the f**k did that a**hole go?
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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 28, 2013
Two construction workers work on the 30th floor. One of them has to pee, so the other guy agrees to hold on to him while he leans out a window. Just then the dinner bell sounds and the guy who was holding the other guy runs down to get his food.
On the 20th floor he is stopped by hisboss, who asks if the guy he works with is gay. "Why do you ask?" he says.
"Because a minute ago he came flying past my window with his d**k in his hand yelling, 'Where the f**k did that a**hole go?
---------------------------------
MEMO CONCERNING MIASS
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant- wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervousboss, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".

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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 28, 2013
MEMO CONCERNING MIASS
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant- wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had asecretarysay to me "I'm a little nervousboss, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".
===================================================================
===================================================================

What is the difference between a goodsecretary&
an excellent one?
A good secretary says, "Good morning, sir."
& an excellent secretary says, "It's morning, sir."
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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 28, 2013
What is the difference between a good secretary &
an excellent one?
A good secretary says, "Good morning, sir."
& an excellentsecretarysays, "It's morning, sir."
----------------------------
How do you know if yoursecretaryis having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 28, 2013
How do you know if your secretary is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find herpencil
==========

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians used apencil
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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 28, 2013
WhenNASAfirst started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil
--------------------------------------
Not a joke -- An urban legend AND not true.

Firstly,NASAalso used pencils.

Secondly, a ballpoint pen works just as well in zero gravity as on Earth, provided it's kept nib-down beforehand. With no gravity to draw the ink along the tube away from the nib, the cohesion of the liquid will allow the pen to work just as well.

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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 29, 2013
Not a joke -- An urban legend AND not true.

Firstly, NASA also used pencils.

Secondly, a ballpointpenworks just as well in zero gravity as on Earth, provided it's kept nib-down beforehand. With no gravity to draw the ink along the tube away from the nib, the cohesion of the liquid will allow the pen to work just as well.
==================================================================

Whoever said thepenis mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons
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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 29, 2013
Whoever said the pen is mightier than theswordobviously never encountered automatic weapons
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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him asword,the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 29, 2013
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. Thechiefcomes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

=================================================

Two cowboys come upon an Indianchieflying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."

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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 30, 2013
Two cowboys come upon an Indian chief lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the othercowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
--------------------------------------------
One Sunday acowboywent to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "Iâ€™m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Iâ€™d feed him." So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, Iâ€™m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnâ€™t feed him all the hay..."
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 30, 2013
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and thepreacherwere the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him." So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay..."
=========================

Thepreachersaid: "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
One demure little woman stood up.
"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked,
somewhat amazed.
"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman,
"but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's
first wife."

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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 30, 2013
The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
One demure little woman stood up.
"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked,
somewhat amazed.
"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman,
"but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's
firstwife."
-------------------------------------------
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said hiswife."I've tried that - it never worked."
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 30, 2013
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if mywifefinds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."
==================

Q: A man runs over hiswife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 30, 2013
Q: A man runs over hiswife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
--------------------------
Q: What do you call awifewith an opinion?
A: Wrong.
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 30, 2013
Q: What do you call awifewith an opinion?
A: Wrong.
==========================

Our last fight was my fault: Mywifeasked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 30, 2013
Our last fight was my fault: Mywifeasked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
--------------------------

Q: How hard is it to lose awife?
A: Nowadays its almost impossible!
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 30, 2013

Q: How hard is it to lose awife?
A: Nowadays its almost impossible!
====================

I went to my solicitor and told him I was looking to get a divorce because mywifehadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"
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TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
May 31, 2013
I went to mysolicitorand told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"
-----------------------------------------
A Physician, an Engineer, and a Solicitor were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.

The Doctor said "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adamâ€™s ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first."

The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first."

TheSolicitorsaid, "SORRY GUYS, solicitors were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."
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MA
ManOfWicklow
May 31, 2013

A Physician, an Engineer, and a Solicitor were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.

TheDoctorsaid "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adams ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first."

The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first."

The Solicitor said, "SORRY GUYS, solicitors were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."
===================================

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'
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