TH
thomasstierneyOriginal Poster
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
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Replies
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 13, 2013Q. Whats the difference between a Chevy and aTampon?
A. A tampon comes with its own tow rope.
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I came up with a new invention, a vibratingTampon.
That way a women can be at her best when she is at her worst.ReactReply - MA
Apr 13, 2013A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of theirwedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.
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A farmer and his wife are preparing theirwedding anniversarydinner. The wife says, ‘Should I go out and kill a chicken?’ The husband replies, ‘Why blame a bird for something that happened twenty years ago?’ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 13, 2013A farmer and his wife are preparing their wedding anniversary dinner. The wife says, Should I go out and kill achicken? The husband replies, Why blame a bird for something that happened twenty years ago?
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Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that thechickenwas speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"
The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."
Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"
The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."ReactReply - MAApr 13, 2013Juan wasdriving down a country lanein his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"
The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."
Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"
The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."
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A husband and wife weredriving down a country laneon their way to
visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car
became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by
themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some
oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and
offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted
and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth
car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the
fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to
plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the
water in the hole"ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 13, 2013A husband and wife weredriving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"
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A husband and wife werecelebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"ReactReply - MAApr 14, 2013Awomanwas standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breasts. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautifulwomansteps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 14, 2013A haggardold ladyrides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
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Anold ladygoes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.''Coming up,' says the bartender.As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.''Coming right up,' the bartender says.As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'ReactReply - MAApr 14, 2013An old ladygoes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.As thebartendergives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.''Coming up,' says the bartender.As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.''Coming right up,' the bartender says.As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells thebartenderthe story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 15, 2013Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with hiswife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here, shoot,
they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
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I went to my lawyer and told him I was looking to get a divorce because mywifehadn't spoken to me in six months,
he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"ReactReply - MAApr 15, 2013I went to my lawyer and told him I was looking to get adivorcebecause my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months,
he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"
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Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to thedivorce.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 15, 2013Take thismarriagething seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
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Love is blind butmarriageis an eye-opener.ReactReply - MAApr 16, 2013
Loveis blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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Do you believe inloveat first sight, or should I walk by again?ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 16, 2013Doyoubelieve in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
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Beware of half truths...youmay get the wrong half.ReactReply - MAApr 16, 2013Beware ofhalf truths... you may get the wrong half.
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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much abeware ofdog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 16, 2013A man walks into a pet store and asks for aGerman Shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
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The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with hisGerman Shepperdon a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"ReactReply - MAApr 18, 2013As the K-9officerapproached the house with his German Shepperd on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked theofficer.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 18, 2013His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the officer.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said theIrishman.
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and anIrishmanfind a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Scotsman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Irishman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Englishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, crap!"ReactReply - MAApr 18, 2013A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Scotsman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Irishman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Englishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, crap!"
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A Scotsmanwent into a barber's shop and asked the cost of a haircut. "Six pounds," replied the hairdresser. "What about a shave?" asked the Scot. "Three pounds fifty pence," answered the hairdresser. The Scot retorted, "Shave my head."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 18, 2013A Scotsman wentinto a barber's shopand asked the cost of a haircut. "Six pounds," replied the hairdresser. "What about a shave?" asked the Scot. "Three pounds fifty pence," answered the hairdresser. The Scot retorted, "Shave my head."
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An Irishman and a boy go into a barber's shop.The man has a trim then says to the boy, "You get your hair cut while I go to the supermarket and do some shopping." The boy has his hair cut but the man does not return. "Looks like your dad has forgotten you're here." says the barber. "That wasn't my dad," replies the boy. "That guy grabbed me on the street, and said How would you like a free haircut and dragged me in here."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 20, 2013An Irishmanand a boy go into a barber's shop. The man has a trim then says to the boy, "You get your hair cut while I go to the supermarket and do some shopping." The boy has his hair cut but the man does not return. "Looks like your dad has forgotten you're here." says the barber. "That wasn't my dad," replies the boy. "That guy grabbed me on the street, and said How would you like a free haircut and dragged me in here."
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A Scotsman,an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.
The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'ReactReply - MAApr 21, 2013A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year's supply ofwhisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.
The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
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A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinkingwhisky."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 21, 2013A drunk was in front of ajudge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking whisky.
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
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Standing before thejudgeduring an alimony hearing, the man said,
"As God is my judge, I do not owe that madwoman money!
The judge calmly replied, "He isn't. I am. You do."ReactReply - MAApr 21, 2013Standing before the judge during analimonyhearing, the man said,
"As God is my judge, I do not owe that madwoman money!
The judge calmly replied, "He isn't. I am. You do."
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Payingalimonyis like having your television on while you're asleep.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 22, 2013Paying alimony is like having yourtelevisionon while you're asleep.
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His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good manytelevisionadds, just to make conversation.
"Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."ReactReply