TH
thomasstierneyOriginal Poster
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
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- MA
Apr 22, 2013Hispediatricianasked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many television adds, just to make conversation.
"Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
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Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, apediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?" The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."
[a href="http://www.jokebook.eu/joke/TILO8E/tampax-have-announced-today-that-they-will-replace-the">[/a]ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 22, 2013Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician,
a psychiatrist, asurgeon,and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead,
the GP raised his shogun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not.
The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot.
The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?"
The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said,
"Go see if that was a duck."
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Thesurgeontold his patient that woke up after having been operated on: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate on you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."ReactReply - MAApr 22, 2013Thesurgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated on: "I'mafraidwe're going to have to operate on you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
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A little boy wasafraidof the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 23, 2013A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full ofpenguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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Twopenguinsare standing on an ice floe. The first penguin says, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.†The second penguin says, “What makes you think I’m not?â€ReactReply - MAApr 23, 2013Two penguins are standing on an ice floe. The first penguin says, You look like youre wearing atuxedo. The second penguin says, What makes you think Im not?
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A little girl was watching her parents dress for a formal party. When she saw her dad donning histuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldnt wear that suit.
And why not, Darling?
You know that it always gives you a headache next morning.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 23, 2013A little girl was watching her parents dress for a formal party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldnt wear that suit.
And why not, Darling?
You know that it always gives you aheadachenext morning.
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have aheadache.
'Perfect,' her husband said.'
I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally,or as a suppository, it's up to you.'ReactReply - MAApr 24, 2013A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.
'Perfect,' her husband said.'
I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally,or as asuppository, it's up to you.'
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Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Stanley noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got asuppositoryin your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?" exclaimed Joe. He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said, "Stanley, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 24, 2013Q: Why did the deafblondesit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read
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Q: How does ablondekill a fish?
A: By drowning itReactReply - MAApr 25, 2013Q: How does a blonde kill afish?
A: By drowning it
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Q: What did the blind man say when he passed thefishmarket?
A: Good morning ladies.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 25, 2013Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morningladies.
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Q. What has one hundred balls and screws oldladies?
A. BingoReactReply - MAApr 25, 2013Q. What has one hundredballsand screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
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Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, Do I have a small penis or just giganticballs?ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 25, 2013Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night,
or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, Do I have a smallpenisor just gigantic balls?
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Q:What is the lightest thing in the world?
A:Apenis...even a thought can raise it.ReactReply - MAApr 26, 2013Q:What is the lightest thing in theworld?
A:A penis...even a thought can raise it.
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Two aliens from anotherworldlanded in Las Vegas and were wandering around the casinos. One of them volunteered to go inside and see what was happening. He came out looking rather shocked. "Whats the matter?" asked his friend. "Its a very popular place," replied the first alien. "Its full of creatures that keep throwing up little metal discs."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 26, 2013There is the story of apreacherwho got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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What did the VegetablePreachersay to his church?
"Lettuce pray!"ReactReply - MAApr 27, 2013What did the Vegetable Preacher say to hischurch?
"Lettuce pray!"
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A friend was in front of me coming out ofchurchone day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastorquestioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
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A tiredpastorwas at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."ReactReply - MAApr 27, 2013A tired pastor was at home resting, and through the window he saw awomanapproaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to thewomanat the counter that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013Twoold ladieswere outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the woman at the counter that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
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Threeold ladiesare sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.ReactReply - MAApr 27, 2013Three old ladsie are sitting on apark benchwhen a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.
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Two old ladies are sitting on a hardpark benchfor a few hours. One says: "I think my butt fell asleep."
The other said: "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013Twoold ladiesare sitting on a hard park bench for a few hours. One says: "I think my butt fell asleep."
The other said: "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are fiveold ladies-- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."ReactReply - MAApr 27, 2013Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees acarputtering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are fiveold ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119"
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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push mycarto the gas station?"ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013Aguywalks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
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Aguywalks into a bar and sets down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer..ReactReply - MAApr 27, 2013A guy walks into a bar and sets down next to a man with adogat his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer..
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Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for adog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013DearGod: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "OhGod, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"ReactReply