TH
thomasstierneyUrsprünglicher Verfasser
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- MA
Apr 9, 2013When I was a kid, we didn't lock our doors. We chopped them up to put on the fire.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 9, 2013When I was a kid, fire hadn't been invented.ReagierenAntworten
- MAApr 9, 2013When I was a kid we couldn't afford shoes, so we put black polish on our feet.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 9, 2013When I was a kid we couldn't afford shoes or black polish.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 9, 2013A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 10, 2013I never weed the garden because I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 10, 2013Q: What's the most common cause of hearing lossamong men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 10, 2013Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 11, 2013I was at the supermarket when a beautiful young woman called my name and hurried towards me with a big smile.
As she reached me she said, "Hi, you went to school with my dad."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 12, 2013If diamonds are a girl’s best friend. And a dog is a man’s best friend. Which is the dumber sex?ReagierenAntworten
- MAApr 12, 2013What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 12, 2013R.I.P. Jonathan Winters
November 11, 1925 - April 11, 2013
http://www.jonathanwinters.com/biography.htmlReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 13, 2013I don't mind the dust bunnies because they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 13, 2013ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 14, 2013The advantage of exercising every day is thatyou die healthier.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 15, 2013I remember the night I met my ex while sitting in a bar looking around, I was thinking, "God, I hope it doesn't come to that."ReagierenAntworten
- MAApr 15, 2013Husband: Amazing world, only 25% of men have common sense, very short figure!
Wife: What about Rest?
Husband: Well rest are Married!ReagierenAntworten - NUApr 15, 2013[quote]Something I learned the hard way!
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
[/quote] it is so true. Just wish I could use right away, but sadly no woman in my life to say it too.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 15, 2013Lead me not into temptation I can find it myself.ReagierenAntworten
- MAApr 16, 2013Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserApr 16, 2013Today was one of those days.
When the one that got away is on your mind all day and every song reminds you of her.
That is why my favorite episode of Castle is "A Rose for Everafter"
The one with Alyssa Milano as Kyra, Rick’s lost love.
Six lines told the whole story.
Rick: “Do you remember the last time we danced?â€
Kyra: “Under the clock at Grand Central Station.â€
Rick: “You were on your way to JFK to catch a flight to London.â€
Kyra: “You were supposed to follow me.â€
Rick: “You said you needed space.â€
Kyra:†I didn’t mean forever. “ReagierenAntworten