TH
thomasstierneyUrsprünglicher Verfasser
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 27, 2013The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods overseas.
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.ReagierenAntworten - MA
May 27, 2013I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 28, 2013My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 28, 2013I've been told I was addicted to the internet; at least the internet has 0 calories.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 28, 2013Attention Ladies: Don't die a virgin, terrorists are up there waiting for you.ReagierenAntworten
- MAMay 29, 2013A girl was visiting her martian friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The martian responded by saying
that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooo......," answered the martian. "They're watch dogs"ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 29, 2013I hate it when I hear Karma whisper "I saw that."ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 30, 2013I've gotten to the point in life where I won't go to bed with a woman unless she says, "All right, I'll go to bed with you"ReagierenAntworten
- MAMay 30, 2013What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 30, 2013I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.ReagierenAntworten
- MAMay 30, 2013I saw my wife looking in the mirror, she said "I like to look at my lovely young complexion and attractiveness, do you think that's vanity?" I said, "no, just your imagination!"ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 31, 2013Though Memorial Day is upon us,
Winter clothing continues to don us.
So I plead and beseech:
Kindly stop talking “beach.â€
The media’s trying to con us.ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 31, 2013A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 4, 2013A newcomer to London arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining.
It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks,
"Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."ReagierenAntworten - MAJun 4, 2013Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 4, 2013When my five-year-old twins opened their birthday gifts from their grandmother, they each found one of those tricked-out water blasters.
The boys squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink to fill it up.
Thinking about the mess that was sure to follow, I turned to my mother and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
A smile spread across my mother's face and she replied. "Oh, I remember."ReagierenAntworten - MAJun 4, 2013
A little girl was sitting on her grandmothers lap as she read her a book. She repeatedly touched her grandmothers cheek and then her own fascinated by the difference.
“Grandma†she asked, “Did God make you?â€
“Yes dear,†Grandma replied, “God made me a long time ago.â€
“Did God make me?†she asked.
“Yes, God made you too.†Answered Grandma.
“Well he sure has gotten better over the years, hasn’t he?ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 5, 2013It was a bitterly cold day on the Carnoustie golf course and Jimmy the caddy was expecting a large tip
from his rich Scottish client. As they approached the clubhouse, Jimmy heard the words he was longing to hear,
'This is for a hot glass of whiskey.' So the caddy held out his hand and the Scottish client put a sugar cube in his palm.ReagierenAntworten - MAJun 5, 2013What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 5, 2013Once I was asked to attend a sensitivity-in-the-workplace seminar, it would have beena total bore had the instructor not possessed such absolutely enormous boobs.ReagierenAntworten
- MAJun 5, 2013
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 6, 2013Don't you hate when someone new moves into the neighborhood and starts bitching about everything he sees?ReagierenAntworten