TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- MA
Apr 16, 2013I dream of a better tomorrow...where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 16, 2013A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." Let him try to explain where it is.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 17, 2013Not long after I met my ex she said, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." I almost said, "Wow, you must have had a rough life."ReaccionarResponder
- MAApr 17, 2013My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 17, 2013Ex said she only had a couple of sandwiches for lunch, finally she admitted they were ice cream sandwiches.ReaccionarResponder
- MAApr 17, 2013I told my ex I wanted something nice and hot. She gave me hell.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 17, 2013Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself. Men like the lights on - so they can get the woman's name right.ReaccionarResponder
- MAApr 18, 2013Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 18, 2013Sometimes when you're hurt no one cares.
When you're sad no one sees.
When you cry they look away.
But fart ..just one damned time and & everyone notices.............ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 18, 2013My ex bought a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She took it back to the dealer and said the car drove perfectly during the day, but at night, the car just wouldn't move at all.
The dealer couldn't find anything wrong.
She explained the car ran great when she had it "D" for daytime driving but it wouldn't move when she put it in "N" for nighttime driving..ReaccionarResponder - MAApr 19, 2013[quote]My ex bought a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She took it back to the dealer and said the car drove perfectly during the day, but at night, the car just wouldn't move at all.
The dealer couldn't find anything wrong.
She explained the car ran great when she had it "D" for daytime driving but it wouldn't move when she put it in "N" for nighttime driving..[/quote]I wonder what she thought the 'P' was for ?ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 19, 201310 Reasons for a woman go to work naked.
1-Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2-Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3-"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4-To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5-You want to see if it's like the dream.
6-So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7-People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8-Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9-Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10-No one steals your chair.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 20, 2013My ex didn't NAG - She was just ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'ReaccionarResponder
- MAApr 20, 2013Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 20, 2013I wouldn't say my ex was 'EASY' - She was just 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 22, 2013I don't iron because I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 23, 2013At one time I worked as an AD executive. I had a young beautiful female personal assistant. She would get upset when I called her “sweetie†or “honâ€, especially in public. She complained, but I just ignored her whining. One evening we had a business meeting in an upscale restaurant. As we entered I asked, "Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" and winked at the maitre d'.
"Gee," she replied, "anywhere you say, Dad."ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 24, 2013The medic examined the corporal and announced,
"This soldier has taken corkscrews to the head, nail files to the chest,
dozens of shallow cuts, and tiny scissors to the kneecaps.
He's obviously had some sort of run-in with the Swiss Army!"ReaccionarResponder - MAApr 24, 2013Got thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 25, 2013I don't put things away because Ill never be able to find them again.ReaccionarResponder
- MAApr 25, 2013If the shelves are dusty and the pots don't shine,
it's because I have better things to do with my time.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 25, 2013Bees that have honey in the mouth have stings in their tailsReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalApr 25, 2013ReaccionarResponder