TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- MA
Jun 21, 2013
What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 21, 2013If I were a superhero, I would be called "Apathy Man." I'd have all the powers of Superman, but I just wouldn't care.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 21, 2013A guy was on trial for murder, facing the the electric chair. His brother found out that there was a very poor redneck on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter...they all had wanted to let him go.ReaccionarResponder - MAJun 22, 2013
Q: What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?
A: A full set of teeth.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 22, 2013Q: What do you get when you line up 12 guys from England?
A: A full set of teeth.ReaccionarResponder - MAJun 22, 2013Q: How can you tell if someone in Kentucky is married?
A: The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of his pickup truck.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 25, 2013Ed: Do you lust after women?
Ted: No, only before.ReaccionarResponder - MAJun 28, 2013If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice ?ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 28, 2013I told my doctor I had fluid on my knee. He said, "You're not aiming straightReaccionarResponder
- MAJun 28, 2013I told my doctor I had pains in diferent places. He said "stop going to those places"ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 28, 2013Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.ReaccionarResponder
- MAJun 28, 2013It's very annoying when parking and you get hit by a stationary vehicle.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 29, 2013One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the river, and he needed it to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and appeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"No", the woodcutter replied.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was so pleased with the man's honesty that He gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared again and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his lady!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..ReaccionarResponder - MAJun 29, 2013A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month… the other 49 percent didn’t answer the phone.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 29, 201386% of all statistics are made up on the spot, including this on.ReaccionarResponder
- MAJun 29, 2013A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJun 29, 2013According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 1, 2013I love how coffee fixes everything.
Tired?
Drink some coffee.
Headache?
Drink coffee.
Cold?
Drink coffee.
Someone piss you off?
Toss the cup at them....ReaccionarResponder - MAJul 2, 2013[quote]I love how coffee fixes everything.
Tired?
Drink some coffee.
Headache?
Drink coffee.
Cold?
Drink coffee.
Someone piss you off?
Toss the cup at them....[/quote]Same with whiskey, but just make sure the bottle is empty before throwing it at them.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 2, 2013I would never throw a bottle at someone if there was even one drink left init.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 4, 2013Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving a party at 9:30pmReaccionarResponder
- MAJul 4, 2013Marriage destroyed my relationship with two wonderful women.ReaccionarResponder