TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- MA
Aug 6, 2013People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 7, 2013Today I went to four different hardware stores. Why is it so hard to find hummingbird poison?ReaccionarResponder
- MAAug 7, 2013Hummingbirds are protected in all 49 states (not including Hawaii) under most federal bird laws it is illegal to Posess ,Harass,Wound or Kill any hummingbirds. destroying any hummingbird nests or eggs would most likely result in a hefty fine and possibly years in jail. if you discover any nests injured/baby hummingbird or any bird please do not try to help it leave it alone do not risk any infection or fine/jail time.
You could be fined $15,000.00 to $200,000.00ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 7, 2013Why do people in Horror Movies yell out “Hello?†as if the killer is gonna say “yeah, I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"ReaccionarResponder
- MAAug 7, 2013Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 8, 2013Don’t you hate it when cupid doesn’t hit both of you at the same time?ReaccionarResponder
- MAAug 8, 2013[quote]Don’t you hate it when cupid doesn’t hit both of you at the same time?.[/quote]I don't know about cupid,but a lot of people on here are hit with stupid.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 8, 2013When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is not what I expectedReaccionarResponder
- MAAug 8, 2013When I was a kid I couldn't wait to be a grown up: I'm still waiting.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 8, 2013The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
~Bertrand RussellReaccionarResponder - MAAug 8, 2013A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 9, 2013Dear shooting stars, turkey wish bones, and birthday candles,... what happened to all my wishes?ReaccionarResponder
- MAAug 9, 2013A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams".ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 10, 2013Before and After Marriage:
Before - "I can hardly believe we found each other."
After - "How the hell did I end up with someone like you?"ReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 10, 2013Japanese couple in an argument over ways of highly erotic sex
Husband: “Sukitaki.â€
Wife replies: “Kowanini!â€
Husband says: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!â€
Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!â€...
Husband replies angrily: “Na miaou kina tim kouji!.â€
And you sit and read this stuff as if you understand Japanese!
I guess that proves you will read anything on SEX.ReaccionarResponder - MAAug 12, 2013Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.ReaccionarResponder
- MAAug 14, 2013Countless people have eaten in my kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 16, 2013When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session."I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.""Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."ReaccionarResponder
- MAAug 16, 2013My granny suffered a seizure yesterday. Shes doing ok, but she's still pretty pissed off about the police taking the heroin.ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 16, 2013[quote]My granny suffered a seizure yesterday. Shes doing ok, but she's still pretty pissed off about the police taking the heroin.[/quote]The policed seized the heroin?ReaccionarResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 16, 2013"Two and a Half Men" has been about two men and the son of one of the men.The new season will be about two men and the bi-sexual niece of one of the men.Shouldn't the show now be called "Two and a Half Man"?ReaccionarResponder
- MAAug 18, 2013
I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. ~Alfred HitchcockReaccionarResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalAug 19, 2013A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!â€â€œYes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"ReaccionarResponder - MAAug 19, 2013
A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.ReaccionarResponder