TH
thomasstierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 4, 2014I will be out of commission for a while. Today I was beaten up by
a woman. I was in the elevator when this buxom lady got in. I was
staring at her boobs, when she said, "would you please press 1."So
I did. I don't remember much afterwards. The doctor estimates I'll
recover in a few weeks.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterApr 5, 2014If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 5, 2014The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching hundreds of baby chicks running here and there.
He kept pointing to them and trying to count them.
"One, two, three, four, five, six,... oh, no..." then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh, no."
Then he'd start over again.
Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens before they hatch but it sure is easier to do
that than it is to count them after they hatch."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 10, 2014Do you ever get in the mood where you really need to listen to loud music?ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 11, 2014I don't care what anyone says, weightlifting is not a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that's indecision.ReactReply
- NUMay 12, 2014why is it called "happy hour"? I wanna be happy for more than just an hour!ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 12, 2014When life hands you lemons, grab some salt and tequila and get loaded!ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 21, 2014My ex had been missing a week. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.ReactReply
- MA
May 21, 2014Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Husband: Only you, Darling... with all the others I was awake....ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 22, 2014I farted on an elevator today, which was wrong on so many levels.ReactReply
- MAMay 22, 2014
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells niceReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 22, 2014Q: Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 22, 2014If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 23, 2014I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 24, 2014Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 26, 2014An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"ReactReply - MAMay 27, 2014[quote]An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
[/quote][img alt="Gracious Interiors: August 2011" src="http://www.clipartbest.com/cliparts/di7/eXg/di7eXgdAT.gif">Great joke, Tom.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 27, 2014A man walks into Shoppers Drug Mart with his 8-year-old son.They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.; He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. " Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, Who are these for?" Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.; WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied. Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March ..."ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterMay 30, 2014That's it! I've had it this time." My ex screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," I replied, "You don't even know where I'm getting it."
My ex was in a bad mood, again.ReactReply