TH
thomasstierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterOct 6, 2014I went to the shops the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when
I came out there was a traffic warden writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said ' Come on mate, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a piece of horse dung.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.......ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterOct 14, 2014A man clutching a smartphone goes to a doctor's office and waits nervously until his name is called.
Once he's in the examining room, he tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you..."ReactReply - MA
Oct 14, 2014Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. 'Darling!' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?' 'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' she replied, 'who is it speaking?'ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterOct 20, 2014One day a man ran into an old friend and asked him if he was still dating the same girl.
"No" Replied the friend. "She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Just the other day she decided to ride a horse for the first time. Without any instruction she hopped on and took off at full gallop. Everything was fine for a minute until she started losing her grip and began sliding down the side of the horse.
She started grasping desperately at the reigns and the horse's mane. The horse kept its pace up as she bounced up and down on the ground with the horse's hooves pounding away inches from her head.
The horse might have killed her if it were not for an alert Walmart greeter who ran over and unplugged the thing!"ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterOct 24, 2014A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company.
He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"
"Well you know me," she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"
He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"
He repeats."Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."
He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him.
"Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"
The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.
"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."ReactReply - MAOct 25, 2014If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterOct 25, 2014Relationship advice tip for men:
When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but....
"DON'T DO IT! IT'S A TRAP!
Do NOT;I repeat, do NOT correct this woman!
The life you save will be your own.ReactReply - IM
Oct 26, 2014What do Vibrators and Tofu have in common?They are both Meat Substitutes LoL . . . :-)ReactReply - AU
Oct 26, 2014Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested.
Everything you say, can and will be used against you.
And they elephants have good memories, maybe, but not as good as an irrate woman in full attack mode.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterOct 26, 2014Women spend an average of 335 hours a year getting ready, according to some very passive-
aggressive researchers who are outside waiting in the car."
~Jimmy KimmelReactReply - MAOct 26, 2014According to researches, an average woman spends about 120 hours a year looking at herself in the mirror, which is approximately 5 entire days a year!ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterOct 27, 2014"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
~Henny YoungmanReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterOct 29, 2014Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying:
'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 3, 2014The young male racehorse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 6, 2014I have to stop saying “How Stupid Can You Be?†Some people are taking it as a challenge!ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 7, 2014I learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun.ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 15, 2014A traveling salesman was driving through the country late one night when his car died.
Seeing a farmhouse nearby, he knocked on the door.
"My car broke down," the salesman explained to the farmer who answered.
"Could I possibly spend the night here?"
"Yes," said the farmer, "but you'll have to share a bed with my son."
"Uh-oh," the salesman replied, "I must be in the wrong joke."ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 24, 2014Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.ReactReply
- LA
Nov 24, 2014[quote]Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
[/quote]??????????????ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 24, 2014[quote][quote]Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
[/quote]??????????????
[/quote]I received several PM on this.
Rene Descartes French philosopher, mathematician and writer.
He is also known as the Father of Modern Philosophy
Most famous quote"I Think Therefore I Am."
I suggest you Google the quote if you want to know more.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 26, 2014Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him
scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair.
She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack,
"There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed.
Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied.ReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 27, 2014Last year Obama said he was 52. This year he says he's 53.
Well, which is it, Mr. President?
~The Republican PartyReactReply - THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterNov 29, 2014A man walks into a bar and says, "Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"ReactReply
- THthomasstierneyOriginal PosterDec 4, 2014Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"
"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."
"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said,
"Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"
The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much
money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense,
then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why
you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours every day and don't have time
for such childish games."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and
started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning.
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.
After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have
been a little hard on his son.
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00, and he
really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little
boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep son?" he asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man.
"It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.
The man, since the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.
"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"
* Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them.ReactReply