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Summer isn't over until Sept. 22..So sit your pumpkin spice asses down...l'm not finished with my margarita yet!

Love it!!! Pour me one, please?

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Whenever l tell someone where l live, they say, omg that's so far away...l'm like calm down, l'm not inviting you over.

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New study shows that 80% of married men can not fall asleep after sex because they still have to drive home.

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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Netflix...I just renewed subscription for 10 years.

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Ladies, find a man who will stroke your hair and say how soft it is and doesn't care it's on your legs.

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I handle stressful situations like a dog...if you can't eat it or hump it...piss on it and walk away.

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I don't always whoop ....but when I do......there it is

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I'm a lot happier since I changed from coffee to orange juice, my doctor said it's the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it's the vodka.

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Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions

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I don't know who needs to see this...but your laundry needs to be put in the dryer.

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