TH
thomasstierneyصاحب المنشور
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورAug 19, 2013My wife caught me writing a suicide note, she got really upset and said she had no idea how sad I was and asked what she could do to make me happy.
I pointed at the bottom of the note and said "if you really want to make me happy, sign here"تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورAug 20, 2013Every day, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steakتفاعلرد
- MA
Aug 20, 2013"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورAug 21, 2013A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."تفاعلرد
- MAAug 21, 2013I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.تفاعلرد
- NU
Aug 24, 2013If you want something said, Ask a man.
If you want something done, Ask a woman.
If you want nothing said, and nothing done, Ask a cat.تفاعلرد - THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورAug 29, 2013Build something that's foolproof and they invent a better fool.تفاعلرد
- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورAug 29, 2013Don’t you hate it when someone says they wanna hang out, and you have to quickly think of an excuse why you can't.تفاعلرد
- MAAug 29, 2013[quote]Don’t you hate it when someone says they wanna hang out, and you have to quickly think of an excuse why you can't.[/quote]Tell them your zipper is stuck.تفاعلرد
- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورAug 30, 2013Strenuous exercise is harmful after middle age, especially if you do it with a knife and fork.تفاعلرد
- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورSep 5, 2013My body'sjust not what it used to be. Even when I'm naked, I want to slip into somethingmore comfortableتفاعلرد
- MASep 17, 2013I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.تفاعلرد
- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورSep 18, 2013That would not have surprised me. They ran off together. I still miss him.تفاعلرد
- MASep 25, 2013Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know what time it is, but they don't point to their pants when they need to ask where the restroom is?تفاعلرد
- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورSep 26, 2013There is always THAT ONE. You're happy about the memories but so sad they slipped away.تفاعلرد
- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورSep 27, 2013Don't you just hate it when you get all nice and comfortable in bed and realize you forgot to do something?تفاعلرد
- MASep 28, 2013Why does the phone only ring when you're sitting on the toilet,then you rush to answer it and it's just some jerk trying to sell something you don't want.تفاعلرد
- THthomasstierneyصاحب المنشورSep 28, 2013Verizon called, to tell my ex she had used up her unlimited minutes.تفاعلرد