TH
thomasstierneyUrsprünglicher Verfasser
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- MA
Jul 11, 2012Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"ReagierenAntworten - MAJul 11, 2012[quote]What is the speed of dark?
[/quote]186,000 miles per second, same as the speed of light.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 11, 2012A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 11, 2012What if God didn't intend for us to eat the animals?
He must have been pretty freaked out when we started.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 11, 2012While attending classes to convert to Catholicism,
I learned we were to practice the rhythm method of birth
control. So I hired a three-piece combo for the bedroom.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 13, 2012There would be a lot more optimists if it weren't for the rise-and-shine requirement.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 14, 2012Semper Fi
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia , told police he observed an African American male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket.
When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines detained the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back.
Thankfully the injury did not seem to be life threatening .
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.
The suspect was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw... injuries he apparently sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 14, 2012I was going to take a bus to see a personal injury lawyer,so I called and asked,
"Can you give me directions fromthe bus station to your office?"
"Sure," answered the lawyer,"when you get to the station, just walk outside,
lie down onthe sidewalk and start moaning. Someone from our officewill be along shortly."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 15, 2012A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down; I'll fit you in... You'll just have to be a little patient."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 15, 2012I heard of a 9 year old girl in the Ozarks that is still a virgin.
She is faster than Florence Griffith-Joyner (Flo-Jo) ever was.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 16, 2012With one woman I dated the sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.ReagierenAntworten
- MAJul 16, 2012With one woman I dated, the sex was so bad, the neighbours left after 5 minutes.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 16, 2012The only time in this world you want to be completely honest is when the paramedics ask,
"What did you take?"
~ Berta - Two and a Half MenReagierenAntworten - MAJul 17, 2012
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"
"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."
"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked.
"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."ReagierenAntworten - MAJul 17, 2012
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 18, 2012After three years of marriage, my ex was still questioning me about my past.
She PROMISED she wouldn't get angry, if I told her how many women I had slept with.
I once again trusted her.
"Okay," I said, "Let me think, One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."
She broke her promise and my nose.ReagierenAntworten - EV
Jul 18, 2012Bumping past the garbage.....thanks again guys for the laughsReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 18, 2012[quote]Bumping past the garbage.....thanks again guys for the laughs
[/quote]Your welcome. Thanks for the Bump.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 18, 2012My philosophy about a regular exercise program? No Pain - Good.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 19, 2012{Did you ever wonder why all Yoga Studios smell the way they do?}
Want to know?
While lying on your back slowly bring both of your knees slowly to your chest. oops
Repeat. oops.
30 or 40 people doing the same thing day in and day out.
Breathe deep y'allReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 20, 2012I tried to get my ex to do it doggie style, she said ok,
but in her version I sit up and beg while she rolls over and plays dead.ReagierenAntworten