TH
thomasstierneyAutor original
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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Respostas
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 3, 2012I really wish there was a button on the TV remote to turn up
the intelligence on prime time programing.
There's one marked Brightness, but that doesn't help at all.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 4, 2012My ex would wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord,"
I would wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning!"ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 5, 2012One after noon my wife was on her hands and knees,
scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yelled,
"Come here quick, Im paralyzed! I can't get up!"
I rushed in, took a quick look, and said,
"Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."ReagirResponder - MA
Jul 5, 2012I no longer have the body of a 21 year old ----- I stopped buying her drinks.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 5, 2012Meeting the Virgin Mary
A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"
"Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"
"Well", says Mother Mary, "honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 6, 2012The pen is mightier than the sword...and considerably easier to write with.ReagirResponder
- MAJul 6, 2012What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 6, 2012Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 7, 2012I knew I was in trouble when my lawyer began his closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 7, 2012I was gonna vote "None of The Above" in November. But,
If Chris Christie, the Governor of New Jersey,
is Mitt's running mate, Ill vote for him.
I'd love to see Tony Soprano in the White HouseReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 8, 2012I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
But, your heart is only good for so many beats.
Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
That's like saying you can extend the life of your car bydriving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 8, 2012Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.ReagirResponder
- MAJul 8, 2012Here in the UK, if 10 healthy people go into hospital, 11 will come out sick.ReagirResponder
- MAJul 8, 2012I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 8, 2012I knew a guy who was a master of the English language.
He's the only guy I know who can describe
Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton without using his hands!ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 8, 2012I almost married a psychic, but she dumped me before we met.ReagirResponder
- THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 9, 2012My ex was such a liar. She didn't come home one night;
she said she'd spent the night with her sister.
I knew she was lying, because I spent the night with her sister.ReagirResponder - NUJul 10, 2012At the fabric counter of Heelas department store [John Lewis] in Reading, UK,
the very pretty Rebecca enquired of the male counter staff,
'I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?'
'Only one kiss per metre, 'replied the young man with a rather unpleasant ferret-like smirk.
'That's OK, 'answered Rebecca, with a glint in her eye, 'I'll take eight metres.'
With expectation and with anticipation written all over his face, the staff member quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then in a teasing fashion held it out.
Rebecca snapped up the package, pointed to the old, grizzled and toothless fellow standing beside her, smiled, and said, 'My Grandad will pay the bill.ReagirResponder - MAJul 10, 2012[quote]Don't look back. You ain't going that way.
[/quote]Some of them on here go both ways at the same time.ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 10, 2012I told a friend that he looked tired.
"I am," he said. "I justfinished 50 push-ups."
"Oh really? When did you start doingpush-ups?"
"Well, I did the first one in 1988."ReagirResponder - THthomasstierneyAutor originalJul 11, 2012Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.ReagirResponder