TH
thomasstierneyUrsprünglicher Verfasser
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- MA
May 30, 2014A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said "Which one of you slept with my wife."
and a guy in the back stands up and says "You dont have enough bullets."ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 30, 2014Two truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to a low bridge.
A sign says, "Clearance: 11' 2".
So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11' 6".
So the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"ReagierenAntworten - MAMay 30, 2014Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This joke's overused,
Your sister is too.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserMay 30, 2014Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sunflowers are yellow
I bet you were expecting something romantic
but no these are just gardening factsReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 2, 2014On his 68th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with the Cherokee Indian medicine man
living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for
erectile dysfunction!
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder
warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful,
and then say, "1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than
you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as
you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and
asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife
to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his
clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.ReagierenAntworten - MR
Jun 3, 2014Hey guys, have you ever had this?
Taken from Urban Dictionary:
sticky sacitis
When your junk is sweating on a hot day, and your bag sticks to the side of your leg. It is notably unpleasant when moving from walk to run, or when standing up quickly.
Damn it's hot today, I got a bad case of sticky sacitis.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 3, 2014Barnum was wrong ... it's more like every 30 seconds.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 9, 2014A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.
While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees
in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful
wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's
job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day
and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and
asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem
and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in
you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go
poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 11, 2014Dear customer Service:
First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.....ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 13, 2014Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."ReagierenAntworten - MAJun 14, 2014Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 14, 2014A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 15, 2014After our honeymoon, I felt like a new man. Unfortunately, she said she did, tooReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJun 20, 2014I knew I'd found my dream girl when she said, "I found the porn on your laptop...we should try that."ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 16, 2014Dating two sisters was a pretty hard task, especially when they both lived in the same convent.ReagierenAntworten
- MAJul 18, 2014An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, "What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey."So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said," Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on.So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, "That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them."So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned.The moral of the story is- If You Try To Please Everyone You'll Eventually Lose Your ASS!ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 18, 2014While sitting on the most exalted throne you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserJul 19, 2014Las Vegas is a wild town. An hour after I had checked into a hotel, the house detective knocked on the door and said, "Do you have a woman in there?" I told him I didn't, so he threw one in.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserAug 5, 2014Anyone who has ever dealt with city, state and federal agencies spells it bureaucrazy.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserAug 6, 2014Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.ReagierenAntworten - THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserAug 7, 2014If thine enemy offends thee, give his child a drum.ReagierenAntworten
- MAAug 7, 2014You know it's going to be a bad day, when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.ReagierenAntworten
- THthomasstierneyUrsprünglicher VerfasserAug 7, 2014You're only as old as you feel.......the next day.ReagierenAntworten
- MAAug 7, 2014[quote]You're only as old as you feel.......the next day.
[/quote]Depends whom you're feeling.ReagierenAntworten