Random thoughts and jokes

Respostas

• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 3, 2012

  I love procrastinators; they always help their friends, eventually.
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 4, 2012

  Every time I walked into a singles bar I could hear my Mother's wise words -
  "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been".
  

  ReagirResponder
• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Sep 4, 2012

  I thought of visiting the local gay bar, but my wife might not like me following her.

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 4, 2012

  The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked:
  
  Single____Married____ Divorced____.
  
  I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out a form,
  I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead,
  he had written, "Yes, in that order."
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 5, 2012

  I guess Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... I heard my ex telling her friends that I had "Schiffer Brains."
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 6, 2012

  I promised my ex that I would never turn my back on her; actually I didn't trust her that much.
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 7, 2012

  Some mornings when I wake up I feel like a 20-year-old. But there's never one around.
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 9, 2012

  She bought her own running shoes and ran away with my favorite bartender.
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 9, 2012

  Something I learned the hard way!
  
  'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
  If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
  If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
  If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
  If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
  She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
  So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
  

  ReagirResponder
• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Sep 10, 2012

  The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it.

  ReagirResponder
• EV

  

  EvansBetterHalf

  Sep 10, 2012

  [quote]Something I learned the hard way!
  
  'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
  If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
  If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
  If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
  If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
  She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
  So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
  [/quote]
  Alright, I'm stealing this......
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 10, 2012

  My ex said she left me because I was too childish, but I think she was just being a poopyhead.
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 12, 2012

  Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.
  

  ReagirResponder
• OP

  

  openrange

  Sep 12, 2012

  theres more then one way to nuke a kitty cat

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 12, 2012

  If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 13, 2012

  My ex yelled at me, "Did you tell my sister I was a bitch?"
  I answered, "No! I don't know how she found out."
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 14, 2012

  I was going to go to Coronado for a weekend. I called and made reservations at a seaside hotel. When I asked for directions I was told "It's only a stone's throw from the beach." When I asked, "But how will I recognize it?"  Back came the reply, "It's the one with all the broken windows."
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 14, 2012

  When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you.
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 16, 2012

  In order to spice up our love life I suggested my ex and I be allowed to have a quickie affair.
  She said, "Forget it, I've tried that - it didn't work."
  
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 17, 2012

  My ex insisted I go to weight-watchers. She said she would only have sex with a man with a trim figure. I went along with it until I discovered she was having sex with a man with a trim figure while I was at those damned meetings.
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 18, 2012

  One night my ex and I were watching TV. When I removed my glasses to wipe them she said sweetly,
  "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married. With a big smile I said,
  "Without my glasses you still look pretty good too."
  I don't know why she didn't think that was funny.
  
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 19, 2012

  I knew I had a career as a conman when I actually made my wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in my car.
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 20, 2012

  My ex told me I should be more affectionate.  So I brought home my girlfriend.
  
  
  
  
  

  ReagirResponder
• TH

  

  thomasstierneyAutor original

  Sep 22, 2012

  One Saturday night I said. "Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun."
  My Wife replied, "Good idea, and if you get home before me, I promise, when I do, Ill be real quiet."
  

  ReagirResponder