One after noon my wife was on her hands and knees,
scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yelled,
"Come here quick, Im paralyzed! I can't get up!"
I rushed in, took a quick look, and said,
"Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
Meeting the Virgin Mary
A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"
"Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"
"Well", says Mother Mary, "honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."
I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
But, your heart is only good for so many beats.
Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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