Rachel A. Sussman,
Author, The Breakup Bible
Do Open Marriages Work?
In some relationships, a husband or wife may ask their partner if they would consent to an open marriage. More often than not, requesting an open marriage means that the inquiring partner is interested in having an affair or continuing on with an affair. They are torn between the excitement of an affair and the comfort and security of their marriage, which they don't want to give up. Also, they may wish to cover their bases; if the affair doesn't pan out (and most don't), they want their spouse to be available to continue forward with the marriage. In other words, they want to have their cake and eat it too.
When the "faithful" spouse is presented with this situation -- once they've picked themselves up off the floor and put the revolver back in its case -- they will generally not agree to the proposal. In a few cases that I've seen, the faithful will temporarily allow the arrangement merely as a tactic to "win" back the estranged partner. This generally backfires, which either causes the broken marriage to end, or it makes reunification (if it's on the table) even more challenging than it would be if the couple was on the mend from say a "regular" affair.
I have worked with couples who endeavor to have an open marriage either from the inception, or later on in their relationship. I entertain no judgment when such couples seek counseling. When there is agreement in place, to each his own. I try to help these couples communicate with each other as to why they are interested in this sort of arrangement, and, equally as important, to guide them to set up "rules." Once the conversations get going I often find that many of these couples really don't want to go this route, but they are having a hard time communicating their sexual or emotional needs to each other. And when those needs are in place, the desire to seek sex from another is often alleviated.
Other couples have sought my guidance after attempting to have an open relationship. By the time they get into my office, all hell has usually broken lose. Several years ago I worked with a couple who agreed to an open relationship shortly after they began dating. Alan*, with two divorces behind him, had explained to Selina* that he was not monogamous by nature, and that he would only go forward with marriage if she agreed that they could both have clandestine external sex lives. Although she readily agreed, it did not work out as intended. They began to regularly spy on and lie to each other. By the time they came to see me, rampant jealousy had poisoned their connection. No rules had been put into place, and with lax boundaries, they both had slept with others in their large circle of friends. In our sessions I inquired as to why Alan felt he couldn't be monogamous, and what eventually came to light was that he had an overwhelming need to have attention paid to him by a variety of women. This desire was rooted deep into his past, yet he didn't have much interest to explore its origins and make repairs. The relationship ended with both parties feeling completely betrayed.
So back to that illustrious initial question: do open marriages work? My answer is no, they generally don't. Open relationships are simply too tricky to navigate and one or both parties end up getting badly burned.
Discussions about sex and fidelity continue to be a hard topic for many couples to navigate. Yet it's one that cannot and should not be avoided. It would do the institution of marriage a world of good if couples were to take the time while dating to seriously contemplate these matters. If done correctly, it will serve as a model to talk about sex throughout the duration of a marriage. Couples who are able to converse fluently about difficult topics stand a fighting chance that when the going gets tough in a relationship -- and it always will -- words can solve problems. And from my perspective, a dialogue is always a healthier and better place to turn to than an affair.
Thanks, Jackie
For getting us back on track, here. You'll notice that I pretty much don't engage with the clique.
As for your comments, I certainly appreciate that you and your husband have vowed to remain faithful and monogamous. More importantly, I appreciate that you don't condemn others for making different choices. This is the type of discussion I was hoping to have when I started this thread.
Thanks, JackieFor getting us back on track, here. You'll notice that I pretty much don't engage with the clique.As for your comments, I certainly appreciate that you and your husband have vowed to remain faithful and monogamous. More importantly, I appreciate that you don't condemn others for making different choices. This is the type of discussion I was hoping to have when I started this thread.
People are not condemning your way of life, we just don't think it to be appropriate on here. I hope you manage to have a long and contented marriage, but we are not interested in your sexual adventures.
Some of us ( OK, me ) might appreciate if someone could summarize the 260 posts or so, and post a concise list of which posts were actually on topic.Could save some of us ( OK, me ) days of filtering this bull ourselves.
The impossible can be done, but it does take some time.
It is totally pathetic that there appears to be a "clique" of members who take the greatest delight in denigrating other members that post in the forums......this particular "clique" take for whatever reason an enjoyment in placing the stick in the pot and stirring it vigorously.....they fail to to comment logically to a post, however they do indeed use a vast amount of energy and time in hurling abuse at others......I think it would be prudent to state quite firmly that when this little entourage decides to play their childish games that we should simply ignore their post's. No response = no smart "A" come backs.....I am sure they would eventually become somewhat bored with the lack of response and hopefully fade away into nothingness!To respond to the original post......what works for one couple does not always work for others, my husband and I have always been of the belief that our marriage vows are sacred, and that includes remaining faithful to each other sexually morally and honestly...it is what we believe in, we know others decide for whatever reason to lead their married lives in a different way and that is THEIR choice, we, that is my husband and I may not condone it but nor shall we condemn it...it is after all their choice.
Just to be clear Jackie, I don't care who is doing who, but I do object to this subject being posted on what is supposed to be strictly a nudist site. This is the second time the OP has brought this up, why would he have thought there would be a different reaction than the first time? I don't care what his sex life entails, but neither do I want to read about it in here. If he's been lurking here for any length of time, he knows full well about this site's counterpart, trueswingers, where he can chronicle their exploits in detail if he wants. He continues to post about his marital activities here either because of some psychological need for approval from strangers, or just to stir up the pot.
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